Emotions and Logic
by Kaizoku-Taii
Summary: Rodney is waking up, and all he can understand is emotions. Lonliness...fear...pain. John lost rodney to the Eruditians, and he will get him back. But when he does, will his friend ever be okay again? Dark, angsty Rod!Whump. Previously just "Emotions".
1. Learning anew :Emotions:

**My first SGA fic. My first one shot. Please, be nice.**

**The reveiw gods demand tribute, or they will smite you.**

**Please review, we must appease them. =]**

**Hope you like it...**

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Loneliness

He was alone.

That was the first thing that he realised when he returned to the waking world. He wondered, for a moment, who he was, where he was, why, how...His jumbled thoughts were cut short, however, when he noticed something else, but it took a few moments for him to realise what was wrong…

Pain

The next thing was pain.

A lot of pain.

He didn't really know what to do with it all, but he knew he didn't like it. He lay, completely still, in silence, with the waves of pain washing over him. A few times, he tried to cry out, to whimper, to call for help, but he couldn't. He didn't really understand what they were. But the fact that he couldn't caused a new emotion in him…

Fear.

Once he had registered that that was what the emotion was, he realised there was quite a lot of it. After that, once he really felt the cold grasp of fear, he felt his chest clutch into a tight knot. He didn't really understand what his chest was meant to do, but he knew this was wrong. He couldn't move it properly, it kept heaving I and out. It hurt. He didn't understand – it hadn't been having a problem a while ago. He was still scared, and this fear was made worse for the fact that there was only some reason he opened his eyes. Perhaps that was normal.

Light.

He didn't think it was an emotion, but he had only felt emotions themselves so far. Even I it wasn't an emotion, it flooded his head and he got more of that pain behind his eyes, stabbing and hot. He still wasn't breathing. He gasped, and a word suddenly formed on his lips, silent.

"John"

John? What was that? He was still gasping.

Air.

He needed air. The word returned, unbidden; "JOHN!" He became scared when a noise came out of his lips. He wasn't expecting that. He didn't really understand what a john was, but the word comforted him, slightly. Suddenly a new sound reached his ringing ears.

"Rodney!" _Rodney? _He wandered _What's one of them?_ The, suddenly, right there, next to him, was warmth.

John…

He found, suddenly, air in his lungs. He gulped loudly, finally able to breathe easily. The warmth was moving around, it seemed to be doing things, but He didn't really know what. He didn't really care – the warmth helped with the air. The warmth was good. He trusted the warmth. When he returned to his side, He could see a faint haze of darkness in all that light. He wondered if the warmth and the dark fuzz were connected.

Calm

There was only a very small amount of it, but it was new, so he paid attention. He realized the warmth, and the fuzz, which may be the same thing, caused this calm. All the other emotions he had discovered were bad. He liked calm. He wanted to keep the warmth, and the fuzz. He realized that the fuzz/warmth was making a noise, and he knew that if he could hear it, and could piece it together, it might make sense but it didn't. Suddenly, the tone of the noise changed, and the fuzz began to disappear. He couldn't follow it. Suddenly, the warmth by his side got cold, and then went away.

Alone.

He didn't want to be alone again. Fear, loneliness, back again.

Air

It was happening again. Fear. Fear.

"John!" It had worked last time… He didn't want the warm to disappear.

His eyes fuzzed up more, and he felt water on his face. Alone. Then, suddenly, the warmth was back. He lifted up his arm and grabbed the fuzz when it appeared. He could feel something. Warmth, calm.

Arm?

He had moved… he wasn't just emotions. He had…parts… He could suddenly feel them, each of them. And with that feeling, came the pain again.

Screaming.

He didn't understand what the noise was. He wanted it to stop. He tried to speak, but his mouth was already open. He didn't understand. The warmth moved closer, and suddenly there was a warmth on his face.

Rodney began to calm down again, the noises began to make sense… he could feel emotions in them. But-wait…

Rodney?

"Rodney?" He asked. Suddenly, he could hear the noises clearly.

"No, I'm john. You are Rodney" Worry. Pain. Fear. Worry. The emotions were all he could understand. The noises didn't quite fit together yet. Had he caused the pain, the worry, the fear?

"Sorry" he said, just in case.

Guilt.

He clutched the fuzz harder. He wondered why it was black again. He tried to do the same as last time, but the light didn't return. He could hear the noises again, but he couldn't even single out the emotions anymore. He felt like he was floating, but could feel the warmth. It was still there, in his hand.

Calm.

Blackness.

He returned to the blackness.

The warmth was still making noises, but he just let them fade away.

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**Please tel me what you think! I love responses. I have a few ideas of expanding this past a one shot - please let me know if you want me to? In a review! *pointed look* =]**

**Yours to command, always,**

**Kai xx =]**


	2. Learning anew :Logic:

*Edited and Improved version*

**Ok, so this is John's POV, his version of the last chapter, and what happened before that as well. I hope you like it!**

Two hours earlier

John leant against the wall, his breath coming out raggedly. After the sprint across the clearing, he leant against the wall for a few moments to make sure he had caught his breath enough to take on the guards. Once confident, he snuck along the wall. Reaching the end, he looked around at the three guards. Two were facing away from him, and the third was facing them. If he looked up, he would see john. Ok, so he couldn't sneak up. He returned his head around the corner, suddenly registering the presence of his satedan friend next to him. He signalled that there were three men, and their positions. He indicated Ronon's stunner, and signalled the third guard, who was facing the direction John would be attacking from. Teyla arrived silently, breathing hard from the sprint. John told her to wait there and watch out for SGA-2 as they made their way across the clearing from the trees to the large building. John then looked back at Ronon. He held up three fingers. After a few moments, he put one down. He then lowered the second. The moment the third was down, both men ran around the corner silently. The third guard saw them but instantly got stunned, and the others couldn't turn around before John and Ronan hit each on the head simultaneously. They nodded at each other and headed in opposite directions. Ronon walked towards the entrance, scouting out the next stage of their infiltration. John returned around the corner where the rest of their small party had amassed. Overall, they had ten including SGA-1. Hopefully, it would be enough. John nodded and they headed towards Ronon, who lead them into the building.

John allowed himself to fret for a moment. He remembered. He could still remember, clearly, the moment of shock when the natives had said the words "Test subjects".

_They had all been sitting around a table in the simple, slightly medieval style village having recently made first contact with the locals, who called themselves the Eruditian race. Rodney had commented that despite their "less than desirable *sneer*" living conditions, the Eruditians seemed to have chosen that way of living, despite having more technology than medieval earth, and the people themselves were quick to add that their alchemic skills were very good, their chests swelling with pride . The team had assumed they meant medicine and chemistry._

_It had been there first mistake._

_The Eruditians were eager to trade, trying to show how very much they had, and how very useful a trade agreement with them could be. Not once did thy mention what they wished for in return, and everyone began to get nervous, especially Teyla, the seasoned trader. When they had asked though, they had never expected the answer they got._

_Test subjects!? Apparently, the Eruditian people had made a recent scientific drug breakthrough, and needed to test it on human subjects. The answer had, unsurprisingly, been a resounding no. The people had explained that the drug was made to enhance good emotions, helping people with a metal illness that was often contracted on their world, which robbed people of their abilities to feel compassion. The answer had stood steady in its place, as had John. That's when the doting smiles had turned sour. They had tried to trap the SGA team, sidling around the back of them to cover the doorway as the four of them rose, all reaching for their guns. Teyla, Ronon and John had faced the seven men, and Rodney hadn't quite cowered, but he wasn't right in it. Once the fighting had broken loose, the three of them had managed to down the ones in the negotiation room and had gotten outside before the heavy guns had arrived. Once the team had taken up defendable positions around the compound, planning on laying down cover as the team ran the remaining distance from the small building they were behind to the trees, it had looked like it was going to work. Unfortunately, their luck hadn't lasted. Rodney was third to go, with only John left behind the building. Teyla and Ronon were helping with the cover, but the small distance change form the building to the trees made their aim that small amount less good. That small amount that cost Rodney his chance of making it._

_He was shot in the leg and went down screaming in pain. John had shouted his name, but couldn't go__ out to help him without getting shot himself. He was in pain inside – lying on the floor just twenty metres from him was his best friend, clutching at his leg and rocking back and forth, screaming in agony. John expected the bullet had shattered the bone, and ripped a good few muscles along the way. John knew how painful that was – and he knew that his friend's pain barrier was much lower than John's was. John was damn near running out to help him anyway when he saw Rodney attempting to drag himself back to john. Rodney was, slowly, weakly, trying to claw his way along the ground, each movement of his leg bringing forth a loud whimper through the tears. It was the most painful sight that John could lay his eyes on. He was about to run out no matter the cost, to help, but was stopped by a shout from an Eruditian commander. Suddenly, all the shooting from the Eruditians stopped abruptly. John looked around the edge of the building, away from McKay, who had now given up and was curled up on the floor in a foetal position. The Eruditian moved forward, his gun pointing at McKay's shaking form._

"_Shoot and he dies. Shoot me, and they will kill him." The man nodded at his men, who, one cue, trained their guns on McKay also. John growled at the man_

"_You don't really think that you are going to get away with this, do you?" He asked. The man smiled flatly_

"_I already have what I need. We can test the drug on this man. What makes you think I have not already got away with this?"_

"_You should know, we don't leave men behind, ever" John cited the unofficial tag line of the Stargate programmes._

"_And what, pray tell" The man looked at the three of them pointedly "Are you planning to do about us? You are more than slightly outgunned." John could only glare at the man, painfully aware that he was right. Suddenly, the silence was broken by Rodney's wavering voice_

"_John, go" the pain had receded enough for Rodney to nearly sound as if he wasn't struggling too much. But John could hear it. The Eruditian smiled down at his hostage_

"_Good choice" He poked Rodney with his foot, calling forth a small groan of pain from the Canadian, who refused to be beaten into the dust so easily._

"_Come back with reinforcements" He called. The man's smile turned sour_

"_Bad choice" He growled, then kicked the shaking scientist viciously. Rodney howled. John started forward without even telling his legs to move. The guns quickly swivelled to face John with their cold metal snouts. John stopped, glaring._

"_Go, John!" Rodney called_

"_Not leaving you McKay" John called back as the man sneered angrily._

"_If you stay here and let me die, the world won't forgive you for robbing you of it of its best genius!" Rodney attempted to smile weakly. The erudition seemed happy to let them talk for the time being, aware that it would affect John more if he let them. But now, he was bored. He lowered his gun to Rodney's head_

"_I will kill him. Leave now, or dies"_

"_No, you need him alive" John said, hoping that he was right with all of his might. Luckily, he seemed to be right. Unluckily, the gun was not lowered, only moved_

"_Your right. First, I will shoot here, so his legs match" He indicated Rodney's left leg with his gun. "Then, I will shoot his hands, then his elbows, then his hips, then his shoulders. Ok, so, by then, he will be dead, but I would have had my fun, and I can tell the king I had no choice." The man smirked at John. John returned the look with a murderous one with his own. Once again, Rodney shouted for him to go, pleading. John finally came to a decision._

"_Coming back for you McKay!" He shouted as he ran towards Ronon and Teyla at a dead run. He hated himself for doing it. It was killing him inside but now, how he was back. _Now, he was finally here, two days later, the resistance at the gate holding them back too long for John to ever be comfortable. But he was here now, and he was going to save his friend, even if it killed him. His time, he wasn't going to leave.

John was broken out of his flashback as Ronon suddenly stopped and nodded his head into the doorway they were about to pass. John slipped past him and looked in himself overtly, not alerting his presence to the …seven, he counted… men inside. John was sure that they could take them, but knew that someone would raise the alarm before they were taken out. John thought for a moment, before taking a small metal cylinder of his BDU. He pulled the top off and rolled it silently into the room. The silent, odourless gas knocked the men out none the wiser. John nodded and they continued past the room. Still, no alarm had been raised. It looked like this could work. Silently, he prayed that it would. This time, John was not leaving without his best friend.

Rodney had managed to keep his radio, hiding down his shirt, not that the Eruditians had bothered to search him beyond his gun. Therefore, SGAs 1 and two knew how to get to his holding cell. They snuck silently along the corridors, not again finding another group of guards until they reached the cells. The look of the two guards empowered John – it meant that they were probably guarding something. The team took them both down immediately, and John was about to go into the cell when there was another whine from Ronon's blaster. John looked at his friend, then where his gun was pointing. On the wall was a large, now smouldering heap of metal that might have been a camera before it had melted dejectedly. If they had one here, there was a chance they had them around the place. John growled

"They might know were here," He said to the rescue team, who all nodded solemnly. John almost heard the '_what?! You mean they could jump out at us at any moment?! This is stupid! Do you know how important I am?!'_ But he managed to push the sadness aside. He was getting him back. John continued into the cell, holding his breath as he turned the corner.

Sitting there, in the cell, lonely in the middle o the floor

Sat Rodney's radio.

John groaned and reached for it, then saw writing on the floor next to it.

_25 F_

_05 L_

_10 F_

_9 R_

_1 F_

Then next to it, a shakily drawn star with "F, L, R, B" At different points – forwards, right, left backwards.

John understood immediately. Rodney had left them directions to where he was now. That meant he had been taken back and forth at least once. John had the unbidden mental image of Rodney, one leg brutally broken, cuts and bruises all over him, being flung back into the cell. John suppressed the image. There was the chance that he was ok. John was going to keep hold of that chance for as long as possible.

_He had to be ok._

John committed the directions to memory, and then looked up to see Ronon and Lorne reading them to. They both also seemed to understand. The three shared a nod, and then headed back outside again. Teyla's face fell further than it had already fallen over the last two days when she didn't see Rodney between them. But John made a fist, indicating that there was still hope. Ronon began to explain as the team headed off again. 25 steps forward and they came to a cross in the corridors. They turned left and walked five strides, where there was the choice of turning right, so that they would be facing in the "forward" direction again. John flattened himself against the wall and checked around the corner, and sidled vey quickly backwards again. He grimaced at the team. There was definitely a concentration of soldiers here. He indicated that there were ten, and they were all packed into a tight space. There was going to be a stand off. He indicated half the team, telling them to go to the other side and the passage, and they nodded. With a count of three, he bent around the corner and began to shoot as the soldiers ran across. He bent low, allowing Ronon to lean around above him. John focussed on the shooting, each moment stretching out. He took out one before the rest turned to begin to shoot back, hiding behind the walls to other passages and in doorways. Ronon took out another, and John narrowly avoided a bullet in the side as the marines took down three of their own. John saw an opportunity as one of the men moved slightly, and took him out, but the rest had already got themselves into too defendable positions. John closed his eyes as a marine was shot in the thigh. He shouted out and pedalled backwards, out of the line of shooting. On of the other marines began the most basic of checks on him as another took his place.

Another two Eruditian soldiers went down, leaving only three left. They were getting increasingly worried, shouting through some sort of radios. John saw one look away for a moment, focussing on finding the right button on the small machine. The others were still shooting, and John hoped he would be able to avoid getting shot as he moved forward half a metre stretching his arm out so that his could take out the one radioing for help. His P-90, not made for a single-handed grip, jarred his shoulder and elbow as he took the shots, sending pain along his arm, but he managed to take down the soldier he had been aiming for, and Ronon saw another moving from his hiding place to get a shot at John. He never managed it, the blaster ending his hopes. There was only one soldier left.

Sensibly, the soldier ran.

The rescue mission ran after him, if a bit tentatively. They only had a short distance until they reached the end of Rodney's directions, and John silently counted them off in his head. _10 forward. 9 left. One forward._ John skidded to a squealing halt as he rounded the last corner, bringing to P-90 up in front of him. In a split second, he took in the room.

There was a bed. Trailing from the bed were thousands of wires, each oozing some sort of liquid. There bleeping machines all around it, each making its own noise. John couldn't hear one that sounded anything like a heartbeat should sound like. There was a chair next to the bed. On it, sat the commander of the Eruditian soldiers. He was clapping slowly, one hand tapping the other, which was holding a gun pointed at the bed. Behind him stood the soldier who had run away.

It took mare than a split second to register what was on the bed.

_Rodney._

He lay there, completely still, his arms in a cross on his chest, clasped together. On each side of his neck were little clasps that stretched his skin, small needles stabbing into his brain. On each wrist was a drip that ran across his body, as if tying his arms in the position they are in. not that it was needed, with the leather straps around his ankles and chest. It was a horrific sight. But, what was scariest, were the fact that Rodney's eyes were open. They were glassy, the pupils almost as wide as they can get. He would have looked dead, but every now and again, they would blink. John was dumbstruck. He almost let his P-90 drop, but was brought back to reality when the commander spoke.

"Amazing, isn't it?" he said, "The drug allowed him to feel emotions to a higher extent than he has before, but robbed him of everything else. He completely forgot everything about himself, from his life, to his name. It was sad, but we wouldn't have found it out if we hadn't had a subject, so it's all a learning curve. It's worth it, in the name of Science, you understand."

"No" John said, "It is never worth it. And I would say that if he is hurt permanently, then your life wouldn't be worth living. But if you do anything out of term, I don't think it'll be that long anyway. Where are the doctors?" He growled. The man shrugged, his gun still trained on McKay.

"Not here"

"Well then call them here, you have radios."

"No, they're a long way away by now. They evacuated when we learnt you had broken through the defences at the gate. We thought that who we had left would be enough to hold you off. Some of my most trusted men stayed behind to help." The man glared at John, leaving the real message left unsaid.

_You just killed some of my best men._

John, in all honesty, couldn't have cared less. All he could see was Rodney, and red haze of rage, slowly poisoning him.

"Surrender or I'll shoot you," He growled. The man smiled, taking the leap of faith that John wouldn't kill him immediately. He swung the gun away from Rodney to point it at John.

It was only half way there when he suddenly found a bullet in his chest. Immediately, a blast of red light rendered the soldier unconscious as well. John took a moment to realise that he could lower his gun. The adrenaline in his system began to recede.

John ran over to the bed. "Rodney!" he shouted, without realising. He put his finger to Rodney's neck, avoiding those clasps and felt for his pulse.

It was weak, fluttering against his fingers like a butterfly. John was scared. He reached for the clasps, but his hand was stopped by Teyla

"We cannot do that John – we do not know what would be safe."

"What are we meant to do, leave them in? In case you didn't notice, they are feeding his brain with drugs which are making him seriously in danger!" John said irately. Teyla nodded, as always the picture of calm

"I know. But we do not know what these needles are attached to, and what they will do if we attempt to take them out. We must get Doctor Becket to help him." John clenched his fists

"We can't just let them continue to feed him that stuff, -"

"I know. Perhaps if we removed the bags feeding the needles, then we would not put him in any immediate danger. We could stay, and a group could return to the gate. They could come back with a medical team. Becket will know what to do." She said. John was about to complain. He didn't want to leave Rodney like he was for any longer than he wanted to, but he couldn't deny that it was the only sensible idea. He growled under his breath, and then let up.

"I want to stay." Teyla nodded, relieved that John had seen that they needed to be sensible.

"Ronon and I will go back." Ronon nodded. He knew he would not be very good at sitting and waiting, despite his want to help the little guy. Lorne stepped in.

"I will leave five of my men here. One of them is shot, and cant run, and the rest are to help in case reinforcements arrive." John nodded.

"It will take us twenty minutes to return to the gate, and twenty minutes to return" Teyla said. "With ten to twenty minutes to get supplies, we will be about an hour. I am confident that he will survive that long." Teyla put a hand on John's shoulders, supposedly reassuring hi – but John could see worry in her eyes. John nodded, telling her it was ok.

_Godamnit, it was going to be ok_

Lorne broke the few seconds' silence the team had allowed themselves to worry.

"We're moving out" The people leaving nodded, and they started off. John watched them leave, then turned to face the bed again, and set about disconnecting the bags of liquid from their wires.

After he had done that, he pulled the corpse of the commander out the room, and tied the soldier up in readiness for when he woke up. With that, John had little left to do. He checked Rodney's pulse.

Nothing had changed.

Rodney clenched and unclenched his fists, then turned to the marine who had been shot. The man was sweating, obviously in pain, but the bullet hadn't hit any bone, and the man was doing fine. One of his fellow marines had put a bandage over the wound, and it seemed to be holding. John didn't know why he checked on him, as he was not exactly a doctor, but he really needed something to do. The man said he was fine, but accepted the painkillers in the small first aid pack in one pocket of John's BDUs, as the other marine had not given him any. After that, John checked his watch.

Ten minutes.

John turned around, facing the bed again. He was about to check Rodney's pulse again when he noticed something different.

Rodney's eyes were closed. In a fit of panic, John jumped towards the bed. He felt Rodney's pulse and checked his breathing, fearing the worse.

John was startled to feel a stronger heartbeat. Already, the physical problems were getting less. Rodney might just pull through. John let a tiny amount of relief. He sat down next to the bed and watched Rodney intently for any other changes.

oOo

Twenty minutes. John sighed in agitation and let his hand drop back onto the bed. He looked up and thought he saw some sort of change in Rodney.

His brow was slightly furrowed. Just a tiny amount, and John wasn't sure if he was imagining it. Suddenly, Rodney's leg twitched, as if h was in pain, but couldn't quite understand it, and couldn't call out.

"Rodney?" No response. John gritted his teeth and touched his radio

"Teyla, Ronon?" He asked

"This i…Teyla..Is rodn… Oka…" Teyla's message came in impeded, and John moved around the room attempting to find a place where his radio got through better. He could only hear the whole message once he got outside the room

"He's closed his eyes, weaker, I don't think" He responded. "What's your position?"

"We are but three minutes from the gate." Now he could hear Teyla properly, he could tell that she had been running. He was glad, but they wouldn't be able to run on the way back with all the equipment. That would add time to their estimate. John sighed raggedly, worrying.

"Confirmed, contact me when you get back through. Teyla confirmed the order and ended the contact with a quick "Teyla out" as John heard the sounds of the gate beginning to start up. John brought his hand down from his ear, rubbing his face.

And that's when he heard it.

Gasping, coming from in side the room. John turned round, panicking that he had left Rodney alone, as he ran back in. When he did, he heard a single word muttered weakly, the intended shout coming out a hoarse whisper.

"John!"

"Rodney!" John replied. He ran to the side of his friend. He looked down at his friend, taking in his wide eyes, and scared eyes in a moment. Rodney didn't seem to be able to see John, he was just staring up at the ceiling, blank eyes full of fear, confusion and pain. Rodney was hyperventilating, having a panic attack. John needed to let Rodney know her was there – all he could think of doing was touching him. He placed his hands on his chest, and leant towards him. He needed Rodney to know he was safe.

It seemed to work. Slowly, Rodney's breathing began to return to a normal speed. He let his muscles unclench slightly and laid back into the pillow slightly more. Still, Rodney didn't move his eyes. John checked Rodney's pulse, feeling the racing beat begin to slow down, which was good – but also becoming weaker again. John didn't know how much energy the panic attack had taken out of him, but he knew that Rodney was weaker. John realised that he had been talking the entire time, on autopilot, telling Rodney that it was going to be okay, explaining that it was safe now. He had finished checking up on his friend when his radio burst into life.

"…ohn, we ha…ret…ned" Teyla's voice crackled. John placed a hand on Rodney's shoulder

"I will be right back, okay? Your safe stay with me." John left Rodney's side for a moment to talk to Teyla.

"That was quick, well done"

"We had everything set up for Rodney getting back, it didn't take long to get it ready to more out." It was Carson's brogue that responded through the radio – John had never been so happy to hear the man's voice, and it had been a relief on many awry missions. He was bout to respond, his radio activated, when he heard Rodney panicking again

"Shit!" He said, accidentally allowing it to broadcast through the radio.

"John, what is it?" Carson said worryingly

"He woke up a few minutes ago, but has a panic attack when I'm not there," John said, already back at Rodney's side. Once again, he made sure that Rodney could tell he was there by touching him. There were tears on Rodney's face this time, and John placed his hand on his face, allowing Rodney to know completely that he was there. Rodney began to calm again, and suddenly surprised John lifting his arm up to grasp John's shirt in a death grip. John didn't try to stop him, holding the fist. Rodney suddenly looked confused, but seemed to pause for a moment, becoming completely still again. John realized Carson had been talking, and asked him to repeat it.

"Then sta… …ith him, we need him t…be…alm …nd rela…d as poss…le…" Carson re-iterated, the radio static interrupting his message.

"I'm staying with him, Doc," John said, staying by Rodney's side despite the bad signal

"What?" The voice replied. John was about to try again when one of the marines outside the door relayed John's message. John smiled thankfully at him.

Suddenly, Rodney's entire body twitched, as if he only just suddenly realized he had it.

Rodney started shouting.

The man arched his back, the pained shouts punctuated occasionally by weak whimpers, and sobs. John tried to talk to him, but the man seemed deaf to his words. John was getting worried. He placed both hands on Rodney's face, leaning over him. He almost shouted in his ear, telling him it was ok. Rodney seemed startled. He stopped screaming, but he was still sobbing, and he still whimpered occasionally. John spoke calmly, luring Rodney back into being relaxed. Rodney stabilized again, and John breathed a sigh of relief. Rodney's face creased into a confused frown, as if something had occurred to him.

"Rodney?" He asked. John faltered in his stream of calming words.

"No…" He said, "I'm John. You are Rodney," He said. He felt tears in the corner of his eyes, holding a palm against Rodney's face. _What did they do to you?_John was sure that they could help him out of the physical scars, but he was scared. What if Rodney never recovered inside?

"Rodney, stay with me." John whispered, talking about the future, about their lives, almost as much as he was talking about right now.

"Sorry…" "The murmur was barely noticeable, but John heard it.

"What are you sorry for?" He asked "Rodney? Rodney!!" He shouted. Rodney settled into his pillow. His hand began to weaken, but stayed attached to John's shirt. John tried to talk to him, get him to wake up again, but Rodney was already back in the blackness.

One hour.

**Please review! They feed my LIFE!!**


	3. Movement :Emotions:

**Movement – Emotions.**

**Hope you like it, thanks for all those reviews, keep them coming! Please =]**

**Loves, Kai x**

Movement.

The darkness began to recede when he felt movement. He wondered if it was him, but he was pretty sure it wasn't. He hadn't told himself to move. The heavy, dullness in his head slowly retreated until there was only blackness. He was pleased, because he knew what to do this time, when there was darkness.

Light.

Groaning, he wondered if opening his eyes hurt his head this much last time. He remembered it did. His head pounded. Slowly, the light began to calm down. He could see, slightly. Noticing that the patches of light and dark were moving, he remembered why he had woken up. Something was moving him.

Fear.

He didn't understand, where was the John, where was the warmth, why was it letting him be taken away? He wanted to look around, to see if he could find it. He tried to move, and remembered for the second time that he wasn't just emotions, he wasn't just feelings.

Pain.

He felt his body. He felt the pain. It stabbed harshly in his whole body every time whatever he was moving on got bumped. He tried to stop the noise, that he had made last time, the screaming, he didn't know if he was safe. Fear quietened him, but the pain just got worse. After a while, he gave up. He cried out suddenly on a particularily large jolt. Suddenly, the warmth was there.

"I'm here, Rodney,-" _Rodney – _there it was again. He still couldn't single out the rest of the noises, but the warm was there, and when he strained his eyes sideways, right there, was the shape of the darkness he had recognized before.

Calm

Rodney breathed in relief. He gazed weakly at his John, but didn't really know what else to do. It was still making noises, - _talking._ the word came unbidden to his head. He guessed that that was what the John was still doing. He decided to use the word from then on, assuming that it was right. Rodney watched the john, talking, and was reassured by it. Suddenly, a new talking started. Then, right there, was another shape, similar to his John. Two? The new one began touching Rodney, holding his forehead and wrist, and he did something on a small slab in front of him, which made some alien beeping sounds.

Fear. Confusion.

He didn't understand. He looked between the two shapes. How can there be two? What was the new one doing? As far back as he can remember, there had only ever been one, just John. Fear, still. His chest began to hurt again as he panicked.

Panic. Panic. Panic.

The shapes stopped talking, and the new one began touching him again. Fear. Two?!

"Two?!" He realised the word had come out of his mouth, if weakly. The movement of the new shape suddenly stopped. He could only look between the two of them, eyes wide. He still didn't understand. He closed his eyes tight. Perhaps if he opened his eyes again it would go back to when he had felt safe. He heard the talking. He screwed up his eyes harder. Then, slowly, he cracked them open.

Calm.

There was only one. Calm, relax. He breathed out slowly.

Pain

Another jolt of the movement coursed through his body. A talking happened again, angry. Fear, and pain. Fuzz impeded on the edge of his vision, he couldn't really see. He weakly lifted his…hand…but it didn't come in contact with the warmth like last time. He missed the warmth. But he didn't panic – he could see his John, and the tone of the talking it was doing told him that it _was _his John. His hand floated a few moments, cold, devoid of that warmth, before he began to let it fall, saddened.

Warmth.

Rodney felt his hand stop, and the warmth.

Happy.

He smiled. He had said Rodney again. He realised, that, maybe, that was…him.

"Me?" He talked. "Rodney?"

"Yes!" Joy, relief, but still worry. Rodney closed his hand harder. He was glad to have the warmth there again.

Noise.

Angry metallic clatter that sounded familiar… shouting. The warmth dropped his hand, and the clatter was right there. The thing he was lying on was lowered quickly. Jolts of movement. Rodney shouted out and flinched.

Pain.

The shout escalated. The warmth was gone, new noise filled his ears, stabbing his headache. He didn't like it. Suddenly someone was shouting over his head. He understood the talking, a small amount.

"John! Stay with Rodney!" John…stay…Rodney…good. Rodney reached out to where he last saw john. There was no warmth. Wet on his face. Then, he heard his john reply with something, but was too happy to know what he said.

"John" He murmured in relief. Sadly, the warmth still didn't return. Rodney began t worry. He couldt finf his John. but the other talking started again.

"Because, John, we need him not to have a panic attack! We need to keep him here and hidden until the rest of the marines can hold the ambush off, and him shouting and screaming for you will not help!"

Rodney didn't understand, there were too many words. He flailed around, shouting at the pain in his arms, his shoulders, his arms, his hands, his back, but he needed to find John. Suddenly, the warmth was there, and his john was talking. He held it with all his might as the noise around him continued

"Noise, noise, noise" he chanted, full of fear. He gripped his John, feeling his warmth. He tried to shut it out, he was scared, there was so much. He tried to bury his head in John's chest, trying to hide from the noise.

It was the first time he had moved his neck. Suddenly, white hot pain flowed from his neck, flooding his brain. He shouted out, whimpering again. John tried to calm him, tried to quieten him. Rodney lifted his hands up to his neck, he wanted the pain to stop.

Not John talked, saying something – worry, instructive. John grabbed his arms, stopping Rodney. Rodney fought slightly, but didn't have the strength. Suddenly, he felt a small jabbing pain in one of his arms, then it was gone. Rodney flinched and tried to shout out again, but there was something over his mouth. Still, the noise in the background was shouting at him. He was scared, but John was in his ear. Calming. Rodney was quiet. The pain began to go away, replaced by a dull fuzzyness in his head.

Suddenly, the noise stopped. He cracked open an eye and looked up at John, who was looking down at him, his hand now moved

"…safe?" Rodney was really beginning to understand talking…

"Safe." John put his hand on Rodney's brow.

Rodney relaxed, letting his arms drop from where they had still been clutching John's front. The waves of numbness continued to float over him, and he was glad, because they stopped the pain. This time, when Rodney floated down into the dark, no one tried to stop him.

_Safe._

**Well, I hope you liked it.**

**Logic chapter up…some time soon. =]**

**Reviews speed my hands…**

**Loves, Kai xx**


	4. Movement Logic:

**Well, here is "Movement" – Logic chapter. Hope you like it!**

**Thanks for all the reviews and story alerts I have been getting, im not used to being this popular, normally my stories don't work to well… so, im happy =]**

**Remember the review gods. They demand tribute! Review or be smited! Smited? Smitten? Smit? Well. You know.**

**Kai xx**

Carson and his team pretty much burst into the room where John sat, what felt like only a few moments after alerting him that they had arrived at the compound. John rose when the group arrived, moving out the way for Carson to rush to Rodney's side. Carson allowed himself half a second to take in the state his friend was in before he set about working

"Anything new, Sheppard?" He asked hurriedly

"He blanked out just ten minutes ago. He didn't seem to remember anything about himself, or anything. He said his name, and mine, but it was as if he didn't really know what they were." John relayed the important information since he had last contacted the doctor, knowing that Teyla would have told him the rest that he had needed to know. Carson grimaced.

"Ok, thanks lad. We need to get these out" He said to the marines, indicating the needles going into Rodney's wrists. "If you would hold his arms, stop him from moving". The marine did so, and Carson set about the messy job of getting McKay ready for transport.

John didn't like the look of Carson's face when he began inspecting the needles going into his brain. "We're going to take these out now."

"Are you sure that's sensible, doc? Wouldn't it be better if we got back to Atlantis first?" John stepped forward, worried for his friend

"Aye lad," Carson sighed "That would be best – but were going to have to be moving him quite a lot. Were not talking about a flat road on the walk back to the gate. If we move them around, it will be ten times more dangerous than if we just took them out now. They go straight into the Limbric system, letting them shift could permanently damage Rodney's ability to feel emotion. We should be safe to remove them if we pull them directly outwards, but we need to be careful." Carson wrung his hands, calming himself, as John put a re-assuring hand on his shoulder. Carson thanked him uickly before leaning in to hold the first wire between his forefinger and thumb. He looked up at the other member of his team, who was hovering calmly. "I you would unclasp it, please" He said. The doctor nodded, moving forward to hold the clasps. The two doctors exchanged a look, and nodded. The doctor pushed her fingers together, not allowing any shaking to occur. Rodney's skin returned to its place, two small red raw spots standing out like vampire bites. The two doctor's steady hands meant that the needle didn't move at all, much ot the relief of everybody watching. Carson slowly pulled the needle out, the other doctor letting go and letting him work once it was only a cm out. The doctors both frowned worriedly as the needle continued to come, until Carson finally finished, holding the 10 cm needle out to study it. After being sure that the surface was completely smooth and that removing the needle wouldn't have cause too much damage, he got out a small pad of gauze and cotton. After only a few seconds, he moved around to the other side of Rodney, ready to repeat the action. He and the other doctor readied themselves, and with a nod, they did it again.

Once the needle was out, John realised he had been holding his breath. He watched Carson, agitated, Ronon hovering by his shoulder. Both men were ready at any moment to jump to Rodney's side and help the doctor, who was now checking Rodney's body for physical injuries. He did a simple job of splinting Rodney's leg, but the bone would John had started pacing slightly, glaring at the floor, when he heard Carson suck in a breath. John was at his side before even he was aware of it. Carson had lifted Rodney's shirt up and was inspecting a livid bruise on his ribs.

"Broken ribs, up to three." Carson said in way of explanation, knowing what John was about to ask. "Were going to have to be careful when moving him, this and his leg are going to be giving him a lot of trouble. There doesn't seem to be and damage to the spinal cord, so we should be able to move him without any long-lasting damage. I have given him some pain medication, now we need to get him on the stretcher" He nodded at the marines carrying the stretcher, who immediately set it up and held it ready. "Ronon, John, if you can help me with this" The two men positioned themselves. John held Rodney's soulders, with Ronon lifting his midsection carefully, and Becket holding his legs, being very careful of the break. On the count of three, they moved their friend across as carefully as they could, placing him on the stretcher. They settled him in and placed a blanet over him, strapping his chest and legs. Carson decided to leave his arms unstrapped, as not having control could cause him to panic more when he came to. Once McKay was settled slightly, the group gave themselves two seconds to re-cooperate, before the travelling began.

Becket placed a small machine on Rodney's chest, then attached a pad to the left of his chest, above his heart. The small device began to beep, erratically. Carson then attached his tablet up to the device. John new it was bad, and that John was right in it, If Carson was sacrificing speed for keeping a constant eye on his patient. John was scared.

"Ok, people. Keeping him steady gets priority, but lets try to get him home as soon as we can."

Slowly and steadily, the team began the trip home.

oOo

They had been walking in silence for ten minutes now, everybody focussing on either checking on Rodney, keeping him steady, clearing a path through the woods, and keeping an eye out for any straggling Eruditians. But, suddenly, the beeping they had all been listening to began to speed up, becoming more and more agitated. Before John or Carson had managed to say anything, Rodney shouted out in pain as his stretcher jolted slightly. John was at Rodney's side in a moment

"I'm here, Rodney" he said tenderly. "Im here, your going to be okay, were getting you home." There didn't seem to be any response, but then, Rodney's eyes flitted sideways, seeking out John. John was taken aback, but relieved. "He moved his eyes" He said to Becket "He didn't see anything the first time, he just stared.

"That's good" Becket said, leaning in over Rodney after telling the men to stop for just a moment. He held Rodney's forehead, taking in the raging temperature, then checking some other things on his tablet. He didn't take in Rodney's fearful eyes, caught up in assessing what he could about his friend. John, however, saw the man looking between the two other them fearfully. Becket did look up, however, when the heart rate monitor once again began to increase. Rodney's chest began to heave in a panic attack again

"Rodney, I need you to calm down!" Becket said, laying a hand on his chest, trying to convince him it was okay. Rodeny just stared at him, wide eyes. John grabbed Rodney's hand harshly

"Rodney, wha-"

"T-two?!" Rodney stuttered, his eyes wide, looking back and forth between them. The two men looked up at each other for a moment, then back down at Rodney, who had his eyes screwed up shut now. Becket paused for a moment, and retreated back, out of Rodney's line of site. He saw Rodney cracked an eye open, looking up at John, then physically relax when he saw that there was only him there

"Hey McKay, glad you've taken such a side to me" John grinned. Becket quietly told the party that they could start moving again, aware that Rodney had connected to John in a time of crisis, and couldn't yet understand other people. It wasn't good, but Carson was happy to go with it if it kept Rodney calm until they got home. John, his eyes still on his friend, tripped slightly on a piece of undergrowth, forcing himself to look down as he walked. Carson saw Rodney's hand float up weakly, attempting to reach out to John, but Rodney could barely move his lower arm, his elbow staying on the stretcher. The arm floated for a few moments, until Rodney frowned mournfully. One of the marines carrying the stretcher suddenly spoke up quietly

"Sir" He said, calling John/s attention. When John looked up, the man nodded at Rodney's arm as it began to fall, dejected. John only just caught it, cradling the weak hand in his own

"Hey Rodney" He smiled, and Rodney looked at him, looked at his eyes, and even compared to the earlier glance, John could see a small amount of spark there.

For the first time, he allowed himself to think that Rodney might make it through.

"Me?" Rodney said. He tried to say another word, but it caught in his throat and he had to take a breath before speaking again "Rodney?" He asked. John smiled, relief washing over him.

"Yes!" He said, then glanced up at Becket, who was also smiling in relief, hoping that his friend wouldn't suffer from permanent memory loss. "This is good, right, Do-"

Suddenly, gunfire erupted around him. Everybody instinctively ducked, and Rodney was lowered abruptly, and the man let out a shout of pain at the jolt, screwing his eyes up against the pain. Becket tried to berate the marines, but they were already setting up good positions around Rodney, against the attackers

"It's the rest of the Eruditians!" John shouted. At the shout, Rodney closed his eyes again and moved his hands up as if to clasp his head, but didn't seem to have the strength.

"John!" Carson said "Stay with Rodney!" Rodney opened his eyes, hopeful, when John's name was called, and he sighed in relief when he heard the man reply

"I need to defend us, Doc! Why do you need me?!" He shouted. Almost silently, Rodney sighed a breath of relief –

"John…" he murmured, weakly. He began to grope out towards where John had been with his arm, but when there was no answering touch, tears began to run down his face.

"Because, John, we need him not to have a panic attack! We need to keep him here and hidden until the rest of the marines can hold the ambush off, and him shouting and screaming for you will not help!" Carson shouted at the pilot. He knew the military man wanted to be out there helping his men, but he hoped that his friendship and common sense would prevail. They both looked down to see Rodney reaching out, twisting his chest in his bindings, attempting to reach John. Despite crying out at the unnatural bend to his broken ribs, he didn't stop searching. That cry broke John out of his indecision. He returned to Rodney's side, grabbing his hand. Rather than settling with that touch as Rodney had before, the man now clawed at John, pulling him close. He was chanting fearfully under his breath

"Noise, noise noisenoisenoise!"

"hush, its ok, calm down man, its ok…" John let out a stream of comforting words as Carson kept tapping away at his tablet. Rodney tried to move his head, to lift it up into the crook of John's neck. However, with that tiny movement, Rodney's entire body spasmed in pain, and he shouted out, hurt etched onto his face. He began to move his arms up to cradle his neck

"Don't let him touch his neck!" Carson shouted "I don't want to cause any more damage!" John dutifully grabbed McKay's wrists, stopping him from reaching his neck. Rodney struggled for a moment but the effort seemed to exaust him. His head moved again, he shouted out again.

"Hold his arm out!" Carson instructed. He held up a needle, and injected Rodney the moment his arm was proffered. The small stab made Rodney flinch and shout out, forcing John to push his hand against his mouth. There was a lull in the gunfire, and he didn't need any spare Eruditians finding them. Rodney fought again, but John shushed him calmly. Suddenly, the firing stopped altogether. There were various shouts from the surrounding area

"Clear! Two down!"

"This ones down!

"Another three here!"

John looked around, praying that there weren't any more lurking. They truly had no way of knowing. Rodney, having noticed that the noise had stopped, leant back and looked up at John. His eyes were bleary and unfocussed again – probably from Carson's drug. McKay was fading fast.

"Safe?" He murmured

"Safe." John confirmed, even though he didn't know. Relaxing, Rodney closed his eyes. John checked with Carson, who nodded, telling him it was ok. John nodded back as his friend's grip finally loosened.

**Remember the review gods.**

**Nuff said.**

**Taii xxx**


	5. Finding freinds again :Emotions:

**This is kind of a cheating chapter – I knew Rodney wouldn't wake up before they whisked him into surgery, so I decided to have a dream chapter.**

**Hope this is okay – I kind of take some artistic licence with Rodney's life story, as I hadn't seen much about it and all it said on Wikipedia was that "****McKay feels that his parents blamed him for their problems.". If I did make any heinous mistakes please tell me!**

Floating

It was a new feeling, he didn't remember feeling it before. He couldn't control where he was going. It was like he was in…space…

Stars, lots of stars, suddenly appearing. And yet, they had always been that way. Had he just missed them before?

Floor.

He is standing, suddenly. He can fell weight on his legs, it feels natural, but he cant remember ever standing like this before. He tentatively puts a step forward. He is moving.

People

Suddenly, ghosts, flying all around him. Whispering his name. Faces he used to know, they knew him, but he didn't know their names. They whip around him.

Cold.

He is cold, and he is scared. They begin to jostle him. Why don't you remember?! They are asking. He is silent, he does not know how to speak. He cries out. He hears a laugh behind him, and whips around.

A man, tall but pudgy. He has glasses on, and he is smiling happily at Rodney. He holds his arms out, offering Rodney comfort. Rodney smiles and throws himself forward.

_Dad!_

Smoke. The figure was gone. Rodney fell hard, not caught by those strong arms that had caught him so many times before. He turns to look up where the man had been.

The replacement figure is a woman. High cheekbones, a harsh face. Distaste. She opens her mouth

_If it weren't for you, Meredith McKay! _She swept her skirts aside and walked away. Beyond her, Rodney saw the coffin being paraded through the stars.

_Dad…_

He is crying again. He doesn't get up. He feels his shirt being pulled on. He turns around and sees a tear marked face of a small girl.

_Its ok, Mere._

She held out her hand to his. He wrenched his hand away. He turns away from her. She pulls her hand back suddenly. Her sad face turns to anger and ages. She is ten, twenty, and still she is angry. All cause he wouldn't be comforted. He still wont be comforted. She turns and runs off. Rodney looks behind him. The funeral is gone. His mother is gone. Jeanie is gone.

_I'm sorry…_

He murmurs as he sits on the floor. The stars spin, the world shifts. Ghosts again, but he is safe.

They do not jostle him, do not taunt him. They walk past, each talking to eachother. No one pays him any heed. Those who do only look at him in judgement for a moment, then looking away. Rodney is okay. He cannot hurt them like he hurt the girl. He walks forward, each of the people, vague faces, passing the other way. He continues to walk. He continues.

He continues.

He slows to a stop.

He is alone. He sighs, tries to call out the people around him, but they keep their eyes averted. He has not hurt them, but now he has no one. He calls out again.

_Yes?_ He stops mid yell when he is answered. Slowly, he turns sideways. Standing there, is a man a bit smaller than him, a small smile is on his lips. He is wearing a jacket with two yellow triangles on it. The man. Put a hand on Rodney's shoulder. They both laughed, and hidden in that shared laugh was a thousand jolly conversations. They walked together for a while, the lonliness banished slightly. Suddenly, Rodney felt another presence next to him. He turned to see a man taller than him, fully decked out in military uniform, his hair sticking up madly. He noticed Rodney watching him and winked.

Carson.

John.

Safe.

Rodney was aware of hundreds of others, slowly lining up. They weren't centred around Rodney. He is part of them.

Not alone.

Not anymore.

Rodney was smiling. They were running, and he had a uniform on as well. He glanced sideways at his team. They were all smiling. Rodney smiled as well.

He had a reason to be here now. Rodney looked ahead, and suddenly fell, as if he had dropped off an unseen cliff in the starry landscape. He fell, floating again, for a while.

This time, he landed hard.

Pain.

He felt the pain again, in his leg, in his side, in his head, in his neck.

He was lying on the floor again, looking up. They were still there. He looked at Carson.

_Pain_

_I know._

_Don't leave us, Rodney, you got it?! _Rodney looked at John. He was tired and weak now. He smiled weakly, then returned the wink from earlier. He then let go, resting further, falling further than he had fallen to get here, to get to sleep.

_Rodney!! If you let go, I swear to god Im going to come in there and damn well drag you back out here myself!!_

Rodney blinked sadly at Carson. He wished he could, really. But he was too weak to hold on any longer. He only smiled up at the two of them as he fell down, down...

_Goodbye…_

**Falling asleep? In a dream? When he's in that state? That cant be good…**

**Teehee, I know, a terrible cliffy, but hey, that's what writers are for xD**

**I hope I get the logic chapter up some time =]**

**PLEASE review, or the gods will get me!!**

**Thanx**

**Kai xxx**


	6. Finding freinds again :Logic:

***bows* I am so sorry i published this before! It was late and i didnt see a damn lot of mistakes i normally would have when reading through. I am very slightly Dislexic, but it is enough to really hinder me, especially when tired. I realy need a beta to slap me across the face and say "Read it again tommorrow, i dont care if you want to post it tonight! I would like to officially thank Silverthreads for giving me the slap at least.**

**Now, i just hope to god that i havent made any equally stupid mistakes in this version! Pleeease let me know!!**

**Thanks, Kai xxx**

There hadn't been any more Eruditians, much to John's relief. The team had practically run back to the gate, while still keeping McKay as still as possible. The delay had Carson worried, John could see it on his face, even though he was trying to hide it. They needed to get Rodney back home and into surgery as soon as they could.

When they finally reached the gate, they didn't put him down, they didn't stop. Carson continued to check on Rodney worriedly as one of the marines dialled home. John stayed by Rodney's side, agitated by the small time it takes to dial the gate. Once the gate was open, John began to dial the IDC code while Carson radioed through.

"Atlantis, this is Beckett. We've got Rodney, but he's in a bad way.I want a team there the moment we can"

Wier's voice sounded worried but business-like "The team is already on its way." There was a moments pause , then - "The shield is down".

The group didn't even stop to confirm the transmission, heading onto the stone ramp to the gate, then stepping through.

The few moments it takes to get through the 'gate was hard on John, who feels like every moment counts. Those who had never travelled by 'gate had never really understood the feeling of being dismembered atom by atom and hurtled hundreds and thousands of miles through a wormhole, even if they could understand it scientifically. But John, over time, had become oddly used to the insanity of it. But never had he been able to get used to what happens to emotions and feelings in the wormhole. He is always thrown by not quite _seeing_ the twists of the wormhole, the lights dancing madly off the hurtling edges as they whip past, but more being _aware_ of it. But the thing that had always disorientated John more than any other was the way the 'gate treats emotions - the way it seemed to rip them from your mind, broke them down, and sent them through the gate in the same way. Emotions feel exploded, thoughts louder and more prominent, but incoherent, messy. Sometimes, it would be barely noticeable, as they stroll back home, each lost in their own thoughts that are slow and simple anyway. But in times of high stress, like when John was worried about Rodney, becoming a cloud of atoms held together tenuously by technology you don't understand and raw emotion, it was almost impossible to bear, all the raging emotions breaking apart and flying around, then returning to you in full catastrophic force as you are dumped unceremoniously back in one piece on the other side. Its times like those that John wants to stop and pat himself down to make sure that nothing is missing, when he feels like he has stepped through for the first time.

And it is times like those that he doesn't even have time to stop and contemplate it.

He helped the marines as they raise the stretcher onto the gurney, but was pushed out of the way as the medical team surrounded his friend him, each doing the job given to them by Carson. Carson's previous fear is gone, and Rodney has changed from a friend in need to a patient Carson can help. Carson was now all business, taking immediate charge. It is only a few moments before the gurney began to move towards the infirmary. John ran after it, despite being aware that Elizabeth was trying to catch his attention, to ask. Teyla stayed behind for a quick debrief, despite wanting to follow John and Rodney, equally scared for Rodney. There wasn't even a moment of hesitation from Ronon, who immediately fell into step behind Sheppard. John wasn't surprised, and does not even blink when Teyla and Elizabeth catch up with them. John knew that they all wanted to be there every step of the way. Despite his – many – vices, McKay was a huge part of what they had here, both in the job, and in the group of friends. None of them were going to be seen anywhere except waiting dutifully outside surgery unless they were dragged away by their hair, kicking and screaming, and even then they might sacrifice their hair.

And John liked his hair.

He tried to follow Rodney right into the white room, not even thinking, but stops when he is forcibly told to _wait here_ by a nurse.

"_John…"_ He remembered the way Rodney had sought him out, had muttered his name weakly. The way he had flinched with every time the stretcher had jolted. The way he had held weakly onto John, and how he looked when he thought John had left him.

He didn't understand, why Rodney had focussed on him, had chosen him to be his lifeline. He half wished that it had been Carson, someone who could help, but then Carson wouldn't have been there to help when he first woke up. But still, John half wished Rodney hadn't chosen him.

But he was also glad. He was glad that his friend had had someone there whom he could attach to, and not loose himself. He was also glad that his friend had chosen him. Among the sharp barbs, the back and forth, the insults, sometimes it was easy to worry that if they did drift apart, they wouldn't notice, that they would just become acquaintances. He had noticed though, and it had been happening, same as it had after Doranda. But this time it hadn't taken a near death experience to start the process, and they hadnt drifted back together with time. This time, it had just begun to happen slowly – film nights missed, lunch times not purposefully avoided, but no longer pre-aranged, one a late night person, one an early riser. It had started slowly this time. But it had taken a near death experience to end it, to bring them together again. John, silently, prayed that he would be able to see it through. To sit annoying Rodney in his lab late into the night and sleep in for once, to arrange to meet for lunch, or to let him choose a movie the first time they sat together again.

By now, he had sat down. He was sitting in one of those plastic chairs that they have in hospitals. He remembered a convorsation he had one had with the scientist as they had waiting for a simple check in after a mission. Rodney had gone on a huge rant about how the chairs were too cold on cold days, too sticky on hot days, to moulded to lie across three and sleep, but too flat to sit in for any leangth of time without going numb in all the wrong places. Rodney sworn that the infirmary enjoyed watching him squirm, and that they had little cameras hidden everywhere and they watched it and laughed at him. John had snorted at him, listening silently, enjoying the rant that was so very McKay, while squirming uncomfortably himself.

John wasn't squriming. He had his elbows on his knees, the balls of his hands driving angrily into his eyes. He could feel his thighs complaining at being bore into by his hard elbows for – nearly an hour now, John realised, checking his watch.

He didn't move his elbows.

He watched the room for a while, taking in the others in it. Ronon was leant against the wall, eyes closed, waiting. Teyla seemed equally patient on the outside, sat in the chair two down from John's, but he can see her eyes flicking between the door, Elizabeth, and her fidgeting hands. John was sure that if he wasn't watching her, the fitful gaze would also rest on him with each journey around the room. Elizabeth was pacing, her arms crossed across her front, almost hugging herself. Occasionally, she would get hailed through her radio, and she would step aside to give her verdict on a happening around the city, still the head of the expedition. Not once did she leave, not matter what.

John had turned his radio pretty earlier on. He didn't care, no matter what it was, it could wait.

The silence was broken suddenly by he sound of running from outside. John looked up as Radek skidded to a halt outside the doors, his face passing the window momentarily as he doesn't have chance to slow down in time. The swinging doors burst open.

"I am sorry, I was in secluded part of the city, had my radio switched off! I only just…" He looked around in fear. John realised that when Rodney was inured, everybody looked at his team with pity, patting shoulders and wishing him well through them. Very few saw Doctor Zelenka, and the way he would retreat, scared and worried. Few outside of their close knit group saw the man sitting by Rodney's bed at night when most people had fallen asleep, taking advantage of the fact that the scientists seem to be nocturnal. Although Radek did not see himself as part of their group of friends – or any friendship group, in fact – they were all aware of the silent worry he always held for his friend, and they knew that he was as much part of this as anyone. Most didn't see it, but they did.

"Is he okay? Do we know?" The man's accent was heavy, as always worse for his worry.

"We don't know anything yet, Doc." John said tiredly. "We haven't heard anything since he went in there." Zelenka sighed, slouching wearily onto one of the chairs. He rubbed his eyes, pushing his glasses out of the way, further up his nose. John noticed suddenly that the scientist's hands were oily, and he still had a scanner of sorts stuffed hastily in his pocket. Zelenka had apparently come to the infirmary immediately after hearing about Rodney. John remembered, suddenly, seeing the man that morning on his run, the Czech heading out to one of the uninhabited parts of the city, tool kit on hand, bleary eyed from the early morning. That had been at about five – it was now nearly six in the evening. That means the man had been working for 13 hours straight, and he hadn't had time to pause when he heard about Rodney

"Doc, you look like you have had a long day" Zelenka looked up, suddenly.

"I am fine." he said, slightly irritable at being mollycoddled "I believe you have all had a taxing day, more so than mine, I can assure you." he didn't settle back into his chair, however, apparently in mental battle with himself.

"Keep your radio on, we'll let you know if anything happens" Elizabeth put in, softly. Zelenka grimaced angrily at himself, obviously wanting to stay. Finally, he seemed to come to a decision and stands up

"You must understand, when Rodney is on missions, and, not here for any other reason…" Radek faultered suddenly, but ploughs on, refusing to stop "I am in command, I left a lot of jobs to get here, and I don't know if I can leave them for long"

"No ones judging you Doc, if anything happens, we will let you know" Zelenka frowned sadly at having to leave his friend for work, but knew that he has to go. "Besides, Rodney will just shout at you if he gets out of this and find that you left a back log of his work." Zelenka gulped, fearing the worse.

_If._

"Ano" he agreed in his own language, nodding, then headed out of the room much more apprehensively than when he had entered, attaching his radio to his ear carefully. One hand on the door, he turned around to look at Sheppard

"The moment you hear something?" he asked

"Not a second later, Doc" John nodded reassuringly. Radek nodded back appreciatively then turned to leave.

"Thank you" He called over his shoulder.

Suddenly, they were in silence again. John checked his watch. It was only twenty minutes since he last checked it. He sighed sadly. He continues to worry.

The time stretches on.

oOo

It had been half an hour since Zelenka left, and John had given up trying to sit comfortably, surrendering silently to the numbness. It was slowly spreading down his legs when the silence was shattered by the doors swinging open. The quiet whooshing sound was echoed by scraping chairs and other sounds of the inhabitants of the room standing up and walking towads the man who walks through them. Beckett looked weary and deflated, and John feared the worse. But his fear is dissipated in a moment.

"We've got him. He's going to make it through" Carson said, nodding. John breathed a sigh of relief, feeling like it was his first breath the entire day. True to his word, John radioed Radek

_He was going to make it._

John smiled at Carson, but the man didn't return the smile. Instead, he sat heavily on one of the chairs. John knew that surgery can be tiring, emotionally and physically, and sits beside him.

"Are you alright, Doc?" He asked. Carson sighed raggedly.

"He gave up." The doctor's voice hitched. "The drug they put in him takes emotions and emphasises them, overpowering him with it. When we gave him anaesthetic, we didn't notice the change, the heart rate normally drops, but it just kept dropping. It was just like he was falling further asleep, just relaxing. We tried to get his heart rate up, but he just sighed and flatlined. We had to use the defibrillator. I thought we lost him" Carson's voice was heavy, holding back tears, as the people in the room listened intently to the tale. John was aware that Radek had entered at some point, and was also listening. "He flatted out for an entire minute. I was about to say it. I was about to declare that he was…" Carson couldn't say the word. John was painfully aware of how close it had been. He squeezed the doctor's shoulder reassuringly. "Once we brought him back, we had to use adrenaline just to keep his heart beating. I ploughed in, I didn't take it into account. We don't know what damage we may have done, and only because I didn't stop to think." Beckett said the last line venomously

"No one thinks you did wrong, Doctor Beckett" Teyla comforted the man, and John nodded, but Ronon beat him to the point he was going to make.

"He's still here, isn't he? That's thanks to you" He stated simply. The doctor nodded. John hated seeing the doctor like this. He knew that the man needed comforting, and although he norally would have jumped to help his friend, he was too worried about his other one.

"Can we see him?" John asked, realising too late that his comment might have been harsh, brushing Carson off. The comment, however, seems to return Carson to the real world. He sits up straight.

"Well, medically, you can. But I don't suppose logic will prevail? He needs to sleep, more than anything else."

"We'll be quiet" John said. Beckett looked around the room to see the rest of the inhabitants equally steady in their place. He nodded, not surprised.

"He is in the first room." Beckett nodded in the direction "Remember what happens when he wakes up and its not just you, John. Please don't wake him." John nodded at the man, painfully aware of how important he was now. The group silently walked into Rodney's room.

No words were said, but each member of the group takes the same silent refuge in the rise and fall of Rodney's chest, the loud and obvious sign of life. He muttered in his sleep, his eyelids fluttering every now and again. The group watched him, allowing themselves to relax for the first time. Slowly, they began to drift out, one by one, each off to their own space, alone with their thoughts. Unbeknownst to each other, each one asks Carson to radio them when he wakes up. An hour later, Carson walks into the room to check on his friend, and is not at all surprised to find that John has not left. Nothing is exchanged except a glance. When he is finished, Carson leaves again.

John stays.

I hope that Carson's story is ok. I was going to go into the room and see it happening, but i was writing from ohn's point of veiw, and i wanted to keep it that way. Also, i think that it is very effective in that form... but pleaseles tell my your opinions?

Loves, Kai xxx


	7. Safety? :Emotions:

**Ok, i am also going back and replacing a few of the older chapters with spell checked and edited versions after a very helpful review. The stories are identical, with just a bit of the wording sorted out, the tenses corrected, and the spelling checked. Mainly for those who havent read it yet, but if your reading as i update, i just wanted to let you know. I have only done the first two so far, but i will be doing to rest as well.**

**Please, i feel seriously insecure after the last chapter -_-U i damn well nearly deleted this today, so please review, or i may die...**

**Thankx, Kai xx**

Beeping.

It was a new sound, and Rodney liked it. He held onto it, letting the soft _beep, beep, beep fill up his head_. He did not open his eyes this time, not wanting to let the pain in again. He could feel very little, this nice, floating feeling engulfing him in a soft cocoon of painlessness. But, in some way, he was aware it was there. He lay there, silently, for a while, listening to the beeps, and smelling a smell he couldn't quite place, sharp and medical. Suddenly, Rodney was hit by something entirely new.

Recognition

He didn't remember being here before, he hadn't been here, but he recognised it, and he recognised one overriding emotion about it.

Safety.

Rodney sighed, relaxing. He waited for nothing, and it occurred, with precise consistency.

Rodney was happy with that.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Suddenly, a new sound erupted, startling Rodney, who had been falling back into the darkness happily.

John, talking. Rodney was happy when he heard his voice. He woke up again, coming back from the half darkness.

Light.

His sight was fuzzy, like the first time he had woken up. He could barely make out the shapes again. And, once again, with the light, came the pain.

It was a dull, slow pain that throbbed in his head in time to the beeping. He groaned, and tried to lift his arms up.

There was a dull twang of pain in the back of his hand, as if there was something in it.

Memory, sudden and violent

_Strapped down, tubes and wires feeding into his hands, watching the bags drip, drip, drip._

_Left alone_

_He was going to die._

_Alone_

_He was going to die alone._

_Loosing himself, loosing his memories, forgetting_

_Trying to claw to himself_

_He has to remember_

_John is coming for him._

_Calling out. John!_

_Fighting, being strapped down, beaten, pain in his side._

_Pain, everywhere,_

_Having no control, not able to move._

_Trapped, poisoned slowly, wires, tubes..._

_Drip, drip, drip._

BeepBeepBeep

Rodney was shouting, thrashing.

Was he back? Had they caught him again? He shouted out

Fear, Anger, Pain. Had John left him? No, John can't have let him.

Then here had he gone? Was he alone again?

Bepbepbepbepbepbep

Panic.

Hands were on his chest, pushing him down. He was fighting, lashing out, shouting. Something connected to his fist, there was a shout. Rodney scrambled away, running from the noise, scrabbling at the bed. He found the edge, and pushed against the warmth there. The warmth pushed back, harshly. Rodney felt something touching his leg, and immediately kicked it, not wanting anything to get close to him. The body beside him began to push him again. He lashed out with his other arm.

Pain.

Ripping pain in the back of his hand. He shouted out and clutched at it, scared. He began to close himself off, to curl up into a ball, but he was grabbed, and his arm was held as a small metal needle was stabbed into it. Shouting, remembering the needles… He was back. He didn't want to die

"No! Please!" He didn't want to die, he didn't want to…He pushed hard again against the body. He could feel his mind begin to fuzz again, begin to close up, the darkness returning. He pushed one last time, tearing at the hands, throwing himself away from them.

Falling

He fell hard, shouting out again. The landing is heavy, and sent a wave of raw pain through his body. He wanted to get up, to run, but he could feel his brain slowing down again. He could feel the darkness, but this time he fought it, fought it with all his might. He was trying to move, willing his limbs to move.

He lay still. His face was wet. He felt his chest shudder.

Alone.

He didn't want John to have gone; he didn't want to be back. He didn't want to die. He lowered his head, loosing hope in his escape. His chest shuddered again; a whimper escaped his lips raggedly. The pain was disappearing, sent away by the fuzz in his head. He moved again, curling up. Suddenly, the pain returned, ripping into his side. He shouts out, it is choked by his sobs.

Dark

He clawed against it

Light. He returned, still aware

He could feel himself lifted by thick arms and replaced onto the bed. He felt pain still, running through his body. He couldn't scream, but he wanted to, he wanted the pain to go away. He could feel the people, so many people, he was so scared. He tried to scream, he tried to shout out, but he didn't know if anyone could hear him. He felt his hand taken, the thick warm substance on it wiped off. He was trying to pay attention, but he couldn't. The darkness took him, but he clawed his way out of it. He feels his other hand taken, and pain in the back, and tries to move his hand again. Nothing.

Dark

Light

There was a soft hand placed on his arm. It wasn't doing anything, it was just sitting. He tried to move, to feel it, clutching to the hope it might be John.

_John_

Dark

Light

Dark

...

Dark.

**Hope you liked this =] like i said _please _reveiw! Thanks!**

**Just by the way - there is still quite a lot to happen in this story. Its not going to be huge, but its not gonna end any time soon anyway - he may be in the infirmary and safe, but there are quite a few twists.**

***puppy eyes* Reviewsles?**

**Yours to command always,**

**Kai xx**


	8. Safety? :Logic:

John didn't like the sounds of the infirmary. Too many times, he had woken up, hurting all over, to hear the small, infernal _beep beep beep _of his own heartbeat. He hated antiseptic smell, and the feeling of being stuck in the same bed until he healed. He didn't dislike the infirmary itself, he couldn't dislike it – he knew it was safe place, and he knew that I he was there, he was probably going to be okay, no matter what he got into this time.

But still, somewhere inside of him, he hated waking up to it, hated staying there for too long.

He remembered, once, having a conversation with Rodney about it one time. He had complained about waking up in the infirmary, not realising that Rodney had been on the bed beside him until he spoke

"_I kind of like it."_

"_You _like_ waking up knowing that you've probably got yourself beaten up enough again to need to be in the infirmary?"_

"_Well, first of all, I would like to point out it's not normally my fault. Often, I find that it's your stupid plans that land me here"_

_John had snorted, but made no comment_

"_I mean, honestly, I like it here, 'cause I know I'm safe. I can hear my heartbeat; I know I'm not dying slowly on some godforsaken planet with howling natives dancing around me. I'd rather be a voodoo doll to his dark arts" He had indicated Beckett, who had given a long suffering sigh "that _dead_, wouldn't you?"_

"_Well, I suppose, but I've never really come to like the infirmary too much" They had left it at that, each returning to their own thoughts._

John wandered if Rodney would feel comforted when he woke up.

He hoped he would.

John waited for something to happen, waited for a twitch, a flutter of eyelids. He waited for _anythin__g_ to happen.

Nothing did. Then, it continued to happen, quite stubbornly.

Time stretched onwards languidly.

Suddenly, Rodney sighed. John sat up straight, watching for any more movement, praying that Rodney would just open his eyes. Beckett, who had seen John straighten, walked over silently, eyebrows raised. They had all agreed that no one except John was to talk to or be seen by Rodney unless a dire situation called for it; thus, Carson didn't risk asking aloud, in case Rodney was awake again. John shook his head

"Just a deep breath doc. I thought he was waking up" Carson was about to reply when he saw Rodney's eyes open. John, having seen it to, immediately stood, leaning over Rodney. He was expecting to see Rodney look at him, move his eyes again, but they just stayed glassy and blurred. He gulped

"He doesn't seem…" John grimaced and waved a hand in front of his own face, and Carson nodded

"It's the drugs, they're not completely worn off yet" He said in a whisper "He should be okay in time, once his head clears." John nodded, then addressed his friend

"Hey buddy," He said softly, but Rodney didn't seem to notice. Instead, he groaned and began to raise his arms up to cradle his head. His right arm was stopped, however, by the IV line feeding into it. Rodney froze for a moment, fear seeping into his eyes.

Suddenly, Rodney erupted into movement. He clawed at his hand, trying to remove the drip. John didn't need the shouted warning from Carson; he already had hold of McKay, who began writhing in his grip. Becket shouted for some aids as Rodney began to struggle manically in the grip of the two men, babbling

"I don't want to die!"

"Buddy, calm down, your safe no one is going to hurt you, co-"

"John!"

"I'm here! "

"JOHN!" Rodney was too far gone into the memory, he wasn't registering anything. John was partially aware of the heart rate monitor speeding up, of the aides running in and helping them hold Rodney down. Rodney began to swing his arms around, throwing them at the people around him. John had to side step to avoid one of the flying fists, and he saw one of the aids take a few steps back, arms wheeling, not so lucky. The man shouted and Rodney visibly flinched away from the sound, to the other side of the bed. John sees the IV line tighten as Rodney moved away, and tries to reach for it, but a flying leg from Rodney knocked him off course. Rodney span suddenly, throwing his arm up into the face of the man in his way.

Still falling backwards, John watched in slow motion as the Catheter was ripped harshly from Rodney's hand, the tape not able to withstand the movement from his friend. Rodney stopped his assault on the people around him, curling up into a ball suddenly to clutch at his arm, shouting out in pain. John regained his balance and when he looked up again he saw Carson take advantage of the small moment of stillness, telling one of the aides to grab Rodney's uninjured hand and hold it out. The Syringe was already prepared, it only took a few seconds for Carson to inject the liquid into Rodney's arm, and the small prick seemed to wake him up again – though John assumed it wouldn't be for long, by the way all the aides began to relax. Rodney shouted out again

"No! Please!" he gave one, final, almighty push against the aide stopping him getting off the bed, and the aide fell backwards. Rodney fell with him. There were numerous shouts from around the infirmary, as Beckett and John shouted warnings, the aide's shout of surprise, and Rodney's ragged scream that turned from fear to pain as he hit the floor. He didn't move much after that. John could see his limbs twitching - from pain, adrenaline, or him willing them to move, John didn't know. John ran over to him, leaning down beside him. He held onto his friend's hand, willing the man to meet his gaze, to squeeze his hand, but Rodney was lost in his own world of pain and fear. John saw tears begin to fall down the Canadians face, and his chest began to shudder with sobs. The man lowered his head, the tears running down his face unheeded. He whimpers with the pain of the ragged breathing. Rodney slowly began to curl up again, trying to cocoon himself, to hide – but the moment he began to, he let out another pained shout and clutched at his ribs. John didn't wholly register Beckett's shout, the orders he was giving.

Suddenly, the aides took hold of Rodney, lifted him onto the bed. His sobs had receded, but tears still escaped his eyes, which were fluttering. Rodney was fighting to stay awake. He took in a ragged breath then released it, a long breath that caught in his throat. No noise came out, but John recognized it for what it was.

Rodney was still screaming.

John tried to hold his arm as Beckett busied himself with the wound the Catheter had made. He cleaned it up and placed a small gauze on it, then handed it to another doctor, who busied himself wrapping the hand in a bandage. John continued to watch Rodney's face, glad to see the man had stopped screaming. His eyelid's fluttered again, but then opened once more. Rodney was still fighting. Carson was by now injecting a new catheter into Rodney's uninjured hand. Rodney flinched slightly, but there was no fight left in him. His eyes slowly closed this time, and there was no fight from McKay. John watched as the man relaxed into his bed, finally giving up. John new it was good, good that Rodney had let go. He would heal better that way. But it was still hard to watch. The last movement John saw him make was slowly lifting a few fingers on the hand closest to him, as if he was reaching for something. And John watched for a long time.

**A/N: This chapter is quite short, i know, and so are the next two - please forgive me. It means their around much quicker =]**

**Please reveiw!!**

**Kai xx**


	9. Sunset :Emotions:

Returning

It was the same as before.

_Beep, Beep, Beep_

He began to panic. It was the same. He was still here. He screwed his eyes shut, he could feel the tears coming back. He tried to stay quiet, wanted to go unnoticed.

Fear.

He was scared, and tired, and worn down. He wanted to find a way out of this, he wanted John to come save him. He had waited for John to come. John had said he would come back.

He had been left, forgotten.

He felt a sob escape. He choked on it, but more followed it. He felt the first tear trickle down the side of his face and pool on the side on his face on the pillow.

Alone. Alone again.

No one had come at his sobs. Maybe they couldn't hear him. Maybe they were gone. He gave back holding the sobs back, letting the tears go. He didn't bother to move to wipe them off. His ears were ringing from trying to stay quiet.

Warmth.

He remembered that warmth, on his face, on his side. As if someone was leaning over him, telling him they were there. He let his hopes rise for a moment, praying that he was right in thinking…

"…John?"

"Hey there Rodney" The voice was soft, but Rodney knew it was John's. Rodney felt a hand rest on his own as the warmth moved. He clenched the hand. He didn't want John to go away, not again.

"I'm not going anywhere buddy, I'm here" The hand returned Rodney's grip.

"Why…still here…" Rodney choked on his words around the tears "You were gonna… come back...rescue me…You said..." Rodney felt the tears rise in his throat again. He was scared. He didn't want to be here.

There was a long pause

"I did come back. We're back in Atlantis now, you're in the infirmary" Rodney clutched at the words. He recognised them slightly.

"Atlantis…"

"Yeah, Atlantis. Home. You're safe here" Pained. Sad.

Rodney frowned. But it was so similar here to _that place_. How did he know? He didn't know..._._ He knew them. He knew those words were good. But he didn't feel safe. He felt like he would never be safe again.

"Look, I can show you" He was startled by John's voice. "Hey, hush, its okay..." Rodney calmed again. "Come on, open your eyes, I can show you" Rodney realized his eyes were still closed. Slowly, he prized them open. They felt tired.

There was no pain this time. There was no light.

"Dark?"

"Yeah, it's getting late. It does that" There is movement beside Rodney and Rodney lets his eyes slide sideways. John swam into detail in front of him. He was spinning slightly, in time with the floating feeling in Rodney's head, but other than that Rodney was sure that he looked normal. Rodney didn't know. He couldn't quite remember. He hated that. He _knew _John…but this face…he felt like he had never seen it before.

"McKay?" Rodney was surprised to dropping his hand from where it had been on John's face. His dulled mind hadn't even registered the movement. He hadn't even realised. Rodney sighed silently.

"Tired" He coughed on the word, his throat grating against itself uncomfortably.

"Here" He felt a cold on his lips, and some liquid began to enter his mouth.

_NO_! _No more...No more poison! No more, don't want anymore!_ He spat and turned away from the liquid. He shook his head, felt the liquid spill all over him.

"No!" He croaked "Please, no more!" He brought his arms up and knocked the beaker.

_Liquids, dripping down a wire. Forced to drink, drink some more. Being hit when he didn't drink. Forced to take more. Poured down, forced, choking, breathing it in. Coughing. Pain. Lots of pain._

_"Drink!"_

_"No!!!"_

_"Drink this now, imbecile, or face the consequences"_

_"Please!"_

_"Come back here! You're not where you think you are!"_

_"Get away from me!"_

_"You!are!in!Atlantis! Rodney! Snap out of it!! Rodney!!"_

_"_Rodney!!" Rodney felt the words filter through. He felt the warmth, he felt it holding him.

He clutched back. He held on. He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to be where he was.

_Noises, filling the room, shuffling, talking, they were moving towards him, they were going to make him take it again. he didn't want to drink again, he didn't want to._

"Look out the window! Open your eyes, look around you!" He clutched onto the voice. He didn't know why but he opened his eyes. He took in the white expanse of ceiling.

_White ceiling. Staring, unseeing, there was only white. They had stopped trying to make him drink, now he was surrounded by wires, he couldn't stop his body drinking now._

"There!" His head was turned by someone else.

"Don't touch me!" He tries to fight, but he can't for long. He is out of energy. He sees a wall, blue, and a window. He looks out at the window, and takes it in.

Tall, towering spires. Soaring heights, each pinnacle twisting in its own way, as if crafted by someone with a love for nature. Thousands of lights, pinpricked out against the dark. Beyond, an expanse of blue sea, folding lazily over itself with each slow wave. The sky is deep purple and blue. The red sun is just a slither behind the sea, and a long strip of red is reflected off the water. A window to...

To...

"Home. You are safe here"

A window to home?

There had been no windows in that place.

"Safe"

_Safe_

Rodney relaxed. He watched the lights. One turned off, and another, somewhere else, flickered. The sun disappeared behind the horizon.

"Safe..." He murmured

"yes. You're going to be okay." Rodney smiled slightly, then turned his head to look at John. He kept the smile.

"you...You came...back for me..."

"Of course I did"

"Thank you..."

"Anytime. I will always come back to get you. Get back to sleep, I'll still be here when you wake up."

Rodney turned his head slowly, looking out of the window. He only closed his eyes at the last moment, as he fell calmly into sleep, still watching the soaring towers blink and glow in the night.

* * *

**Ended up not being quite as short as i expected - and neither will the logic chapter be.**

**Still, hope its good enough.**

**Pleeeeeease reveiw!!!**

**Oh, and special thanks to "Traveller" - your comment was really useful. I was sad i couldnt put it into this chapter, but im going to try harder from now on =] i hadnt even thought of that - so thanks for the cons crit! love you =]**

**Yours,**

**Kai xxx**


	10. Sunset :logic:

_

* * *

_

John was holding Rodney in his arms. John was shouting his name. He wasn't responding. He still had all the wires trailing from him, and his eyes were open, glassy.

_They weren't blinking this time. John shouted his name again, willing the man to wake up._

_Wake up!!_

_The man took a breath suddenly. John was happy. He put a hand on his friends face._

_Rodney's face twisted with anger, with pure hate._

_You said you would come back! You're too late John! You were too late to save me!!_

_And then the eyes were glassy again. John shouted his name_

_Wake up!! I saved you! I got there in time!!_

_You were too late. I am a shell. You were too late._

_Too late._

_Wake up!!_

John Woke up with a start. He sat up suddenly, breathing hard. He rubbed his eyes manically. When had he fallen asleep? He shouldn't have let himself. He looked up at his friend, not expecting to see a change in what had been his completely still form all day. At first, there appeared to be no difference.

Then, he saw the tear on his friends face. A single shining line, catching the last deep red of the setting sun. It took a moment for him to register, and in that moment Rodney let out a shuddering sob. He seemed to let go, tears coming thick and fast now

"Buddy!" John said "Hey, McKay, its ok! McKay! Rodney!!!" There was no response. Rodney was still crying. John immediately took the same action he had on the planet. He leant over his friend, and put a hand on his arm. Reminding him he was there. Rodney seemed to still slowly, still keeping his eyes jammed shut. He moved closer to John.

"...John?" John barely heard the soft murmur, weak and quiet.

"Hey there Rodney" He replied softly. He waited for his friend to relax slightly, then began to move back slowly. He sat back down in his chair, but kept skin contact on Rodney's arm. The moment he had moved a certain amount Rodney clenched his hand over John's, willing him to stay.

"I'm not going anywhere buddy, I'm here" He squeezed Rodney's grip to emphasize the point.

"Why…still here…" Rodney choked coughed slightly, his voice still heavy with tears "You were gonna… come back...rescue me…You said..." He trailed off silently, the tears were rising again. John closed his eyes. Rodney thought that they were still there.

_You were too late to save me..._

"I did come back. We're back in Atlantis now, you're in the infirmary" John said, slowly. He didn't want his friend to be left like this.

"Atlantis..." John clutched at the hope that Rodney had recognised it, but knew that it was more than likely he had just repeated the word that John had said that he didn't understand.

"Yeah, Atlantis" He thought of how to get through to Rodney what Atlantis _was_. "Home. You're safe here"

Rodney frowned, but did not respond. He seemed to be having an internal battle. Slowly, he saw the fear began to seep onto Rodney's face. He didn't want Rodney to go into any memories again. He needed him to stay in the present

"Look, i can show you" He said, suddenly having an idea. At his voice, however, Rodney jumped suddenly, shying away from the noise. He immediately tightened his hold on Rodney's arm "Hey, hush, its ok..." He said, waiting for Rodney to slowly relax again. John quietly started this time, careful not to frighten his friend "Come on, open your eyes, I can show you" he reminded, and Rodney dutifully open his eyes slowly.

Rodney did not look at John. John feared that glassy eyed stare that went through you, not seeing anything. He waited for the gaze to turn to him. He feared the moment. Instead, Rodney continued to look quizzically at the ceiling.

"Dark?" He asked. John looked around him, realizing that the day was coming to an end and the lights were automatically dimming with it. He checked his clock, not sure how long he had been asleep. He was relieved it had only been about half an hour.

"Yeah, it's getting late. It does that" John let his arm fall and leans forward towards Rodney, watching his face, hoping to see recognition in his eyes. The movement caught the attention of his friend, and his head slowly lolled to one side. There is a moment where Rodney seems to be refocusing, and wher John didn't breathe. He held his breath, he hoped, be prayed.

But in the end, there was no recognition.

John let his eyes fall, sad, as Rodney squinted at him, as if seeing him for the first time. There is a few moments of silence, Joh not looking at his friend. Then, he felt a hand on his face. He looked up in surprise to see Rodney still staring confusedly at John's face. It was is if he felt he should recognize it, but didn't remember it. Rodney was slowly tracing his jawline with his hand, still squiting at his face.

"McKay?" John asked, frozen in place. Rodney seemed to be shocked out of his trance, and let his arm drop limply. His eyes returned to the ceiling, and he sighed raggedly.

"Tired..." He mumbled, the word catching in his throat. John knew what it was like waking up in the infirmary, parched and dry-mouthed. He already had a glass of water sitting by Rodney's bed, and he picked it up. He waited for Rodney to finish coughing weakly, then held the glass to his lips

"Here" He tilted the cup slightly, wetting the mans lips, letting him know what it was.

Rodney froze in place, and John forze with him, not wanting to send Rodney into another panic attack.

Rodney suddenly exploded into movement. He twisted his head violently away from John and spat the small amount of water that had entered his mouth back out again. He brought his arms up, protecting his face, and knocked the beaker out of John's hands, sending water flying everywhere.

"No!" He shouted, raggedly "Please! No more!"

"Whoa, buddy" John said, worriedly "You're here, you're safe, its ok!"

"No!!!" Rodney shook his head violently "Please!"

_"_Snap out of it! Rodney!" John took hold of Rodney's shoulders harshly

"Get away from me!" John didn't know if the exclamation was just another part of the memory or Rodney actually shouting at him - or both. When ROdney continued to thrash, John decided it was the former.

"You!are!in!Atlantis! Rodney!" John said each word as its own seentence, giving his freind a small shake with each one "Snap out of it!! Rodney!!" Rodney was calming down, John realized. He was calming down again. "Rodney!!"

Rodney seemed to return to the real world violently, instantly throwing up his arms to clutch onto John's clothes, retuning the vice like grip the man had on his shoulders. Rodney whimpered, holding onto John with all his might. John thought that he was out of it, but the few moments of reality slipped away from Rodney again as he scrunched his eyes closed again, returing to the memory.

"Look out the window! Open your eyes, look around you!" John said. Some of his words seemed to filter through, because Rodney's eyes flew open, but they just stayed staring at the ceiling, wide and full of fear. John only gave him a moment to try to move on his own, but he didnt seem to be. He was to far gone into his memory. John gave up and clutched his friend's head gently, turning it to look out the window.

"Dont touch me!" The pained cry startled John and he let go, but Rodney's head was already turned. The man looked out the window, taking it all in.

The infirmary window looked back towards the city, back towards the central spire and all of its surroundings. The deep red of the setting sun swathed the towers in an etheral half-darkness, with thousands of pinpoints of light pricking the scene, thousands of windows staring right back at them. all set against the backdrop of the sea dissapearing into the distance, dark and opaque, the red of the sun reflecting a long band of colour towards them, the purple of the sky settling around it impatiently, waiting for night to arrive completely. It was one of the most beautiful sights of Atlantis, to watch the red sunset. But, what was most important for Rodney to see was what it _was._

"Home" John said, quietly "You're safe here." Rodney relaxed visibly, settling down. He continued to look out the window. "Safe" John said again.

Rodney sighed.

"Safe..." He murmured.

"Yes" John said happily, glad to see that Rodney was back here, that he understood. He sat down again, rubbing his eyes. Rodney turned his head again, looking at him.

He was smiling. Rodney was _smiling. _John returned the smile entirely.

"You...You came...back for me..." Rodney said, weakly. John place a hand on his arm.

"Of course i did" He said.

"Thankyou..."

"Anytime. I will always come back to get you." John smiled, squeezing his arm "Now, Get back to sleep, I'll still be here when you wake up." he promised. Rodney smiled and turned his head back towards the window, watching Atlantis fall asleep. JOhn followed his gaze, watching his city breathe with the flickering on and off of different lights as her inhabitants slowly went by their routines, then finally reaching their rooms and falling asleep.

John didnt know when Rodney fell asleep, but he stayed awake for a long time, just incase. he watched the red sun slowly dissapeare behind the horrizon, the show over, and the darkness swarm in to take control again. He watched the last of the stars peak out, contending with the windows all over Atlantis. he watched for a long time, then found imself drifting off as well. He relaxed into his chair, and kept one hand on Rodney's.

Both men fell headfirst into a much needed long, deep sleep.

* * *

**Like i say, a bit of a shorter chapter compared to the others. Hope you liked it!**

PLEASE reveiw!!!! i didnt get many reveiws for the last chapter and i was saad~~ *puppy eyes* what would the reveiw gods think?!

Im officially taking a week off now - busybusybusy, thats me! =] hope you can live without me for a weak xD - thou then again, it probably wont be a week, as all i do is write, so i will be very bored.. but you know. Im leaving. for a while. then, i will be back...

**Yours, Kai xx**


	11. Small Steps :Emotions:

**To those of you who got an email last night - so sorry! I only re-read it once before posting, then read it properly in bed and had to use my phone to take it down again before anyone else read it -_-;;**

**But anyway... the week is officially up!!**

**Enjoy!**

Rodney was lying on the cold slab again. There were wires everywhere, and shadows haunted the corners of the room, whispering their sly words to each other. Occasionally they would swoop in, figures he couldn't make out the faces of, they would poke and they would prod him. He would curse them until his throat was raw, then he would continue to try.

It went on forever. Rodney lost track of time.

The dream shifted suddenly, throwing him into another time, another place. He was still lying on the slab-

No, this was different. He was lying on a comfy bed, and there was a window. He was not unable to move, just reclining. He was smiling at…

At _someone…_

There was a pain in his arm and he flinched.

"Do you actually need that, or are you just going to use it for some voodoo ritual?"

"You know I need to run these tests, its protocol"

"Carson, we can both see there's nothing wrong with me, and I have important work to be getting back to, and I- Hey! Carson!" Another sharp pain in his arm. Rodney floated out of the memory

_Carson?_

He wandered lonely through the starry landscape again. There was no one there but him. He was trying to remember. Faces and names floate around temtpingly in front of him, ordered thoughts slipped beyond his mind just as he reached out to them.

He sat down dejectedly. He looked around, seeing the faces, tried to recognize them. They were there, but he couldn't quite understand…

It was painful for him, to know – and yet, to _not..._

He lay down silently, looking up at the stars. He closed his eyes, sighing, then opens them again.

He was in the room with the soft bed again. He waited for the next dream to play out, but nothing happened. He lay there, silently, staring at the ceiling, blinking slowly for about a few minutes before tryin to move his head to the side, in an atempt to see what was happening. He takes a few moments to register that he had moved of his own accord – and that he must, therefore, have woken up. He saw a person standing beside the bed, and Rodney allowed him a few moments to dutifully swim into focus. Silently, Rodney scrutinized the face.

It was _that _person. the person in his dreams.

It was _not _John.

He registered the fear instantly. He can feel his breathing change. He hears the beeping.

_BeepBeepBeep._

_No._ He will _not_ panic.

Calm.

He had to calm down.

He breathed out, trying to relax. He was still scared, but he can breathe again. The figure looked at the beeping machine, then down at Rodney.

Rodney did not move, staring into his eyes. He was scared, he was still scared, what if this person does something?

_No. _He was in his dreams, he always helps.

The man's eyes widened and he tried to take a step back. Rodney could not move his head that far to follow him, so he reached out and held the man in place by clutching his hand, which he seemed to have been raising.

Who was he? Rodney had to know, had to stop being scared. He knew him, he was in his dreams.

"Voodoo" he tried. It was a word that followed the man around in his dreams, in his…memories. They were memories. The man looked confused, furrowing his eyebrows at Rodney. Confusion, yes – but also hope.

"I, uuh…" He faltered, unsure. Rodney looked down, trying to bring back the elusive memories that fluttered around his sluggish mind. He grabbed at them, trying to work it out. He could tell he got it wrong. He needed to think…

"Carson" He suddenly blurted out. He looked back up again to see wide eyes, surprise, then joy.

Rodney had got it right. He smiled happily.

"Carson!" He repeated

"Aye, that's right lad" relief, happiness, joy, it was all there. It made Rodney happy. He felt a hand on his as the Carson patted him. Rodney squeezed the hand then let his own drop, looking to the end of his bed. He froze for a moment.

It had changed.

The window wasn't at the end of his bed; the window was next to him, this was wrong… a voice said his name, then the new one touched his shoulder loosely. Rodney flinched from the contact, but didn't stop staring at the window. It had changed, that didn't make sense, windows don't move…

"We moved your bed, Rodney, so you can see the city" Rodney tried to understand the words, he tried to get them to fit into his head, but he couldn't place them. But he could hear the calming in his voice.

Calm, soothing. He was telling him that it was okay. Rodney allowed himself to calm down. He could see the city, he knew he was here. He could see it easily now. It was okay. He tore his eyes away from the window, looking at his Carson again. He was talking again.

"Can you tell me your name?" He asked. Rodney grappled with the words. The moments silence made the Carson put a hand on Rodney's chest. "Your name" He repeated. Rodney tried to understand.

_Your…_Him?

"Rodney?" He tried. The man smiled happily.

"That's right" He said "Can you tell me what you do?" Rodney tried, but couldn't understand it. He tried to read the emotions –happiness, but worry, and tentative hope. They did not help him understand. Rodney floundered, finally looking down in embarrassment. He didn't know. There was a worried sigh. "Try to think - What you do. Can you tell me what your job is here in Atlantis?"

"Atlantis!!" Rodney recognized that. John had explained that. "Atlantis - Home! Safe!" He looked up at the man at his side, hoping that was the right answer.

"That's right lad" Sadness, pity. Rodney sighed. He had been wrong, again. He sunk into his pillows, dejected. The hand on his shoulder returned.

Rodney sighed miserably. He hated not knowing stuff.

There was a whoosh and the sound of footsteps. They were slow at first, then hurried up suddenly. The violent appearance of someone at the side of his bed made Rodney flinch away.

"hey, ssh, it's just the colonel" Rodney latched on, once again, to the soothing emotions behind Carson's voice. He looked up at the new comer.

"John!" He smiled again, forgetting why he was unhappy. He smiled up at his friend, and the grin was returned to him. Then John looked at Carson - confusion, questioning. Carson began to say something

"Carson" Rodney said to John, then pointed at Carson. He knew something, and he was proud – he felt like he should know stuff, so he was still glowing from getting that one thing right. John looked at him happily

"Yeah, that's right! Good on you, buddy!" John began to talk to Carson. They muttered under their breath. Rodney couldn't hear. John turned to look at him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's great that your up, and your memory seems to be really good, well done, but I need to go…" once again, tentative, unsure. Rodney didn't really understand. There was only on word he could latch onto completely.

Go.

"No!" He said, scared. He reached out and clasped John's retreating hand, looking up at him. He didn't want to be alone again.

He did not want to be alone. Never again. John and Carson exchanged a look - sadness, resignation, a small sad smile. Rodney froze. He didn't want them to leave.

"Please" He said, quietly. He didn't want to be alone. He held his breath, but let it out happily when John sat down and moved the hand Rodney had grabbed. Rodney smiled happily at him, then John looked at Carson. Carson smiled and shook his head – resignation, amusement. Rodney saw happiness flash off John's face before he turned back to him.

"There – I'm not going anywhere." Rodney smiled. He settled back into his pillows, watching the city beyond his window do nothing at all, same as him. He let his mind wander. He thought about how pretty it was out there, he thought about how he wished he could go out there, then he thought about how he was feeling squashed staying in the same place for so long. Then he thought about being trapped.

_Trapped…_

He couldn't help the memory rising. He remembered the leather strapping, holding him down, he remembered bars at the window in the door that he looked through when he still had enough energy to stand up between "treatments".

His breathing was speeding up.

Atlantis. He was in Atlantis, he wasn't there, he was safe.

Home. Safe. Atlantis.

He didn't want to panic again. He didn't want to feel himself go out of control.

He was breathing harder.

_BeepBeepBeepBeepBeep_

He was tired of that noise.

He suddenly became acutely aware of the hand in his. He clutched it, and it grounded him. He could hear John's voice again.

He relaxed. He sighed, letting his breathing return. He didn't have the energy to listen to John. He just made sure that he could feel him there. He was calmer when he was.

"There we are, all good" John finished, and Rodney felt his blankets being shifted slightly. He realized he had closed his eyes at some point. He relaxed some more.

He thought about how he was glad that John was here. John was his friend, John was safety. He had lain in that cell, telling himself that John would come, and he had.

Hadn't he? He had come, right? Or was Rodney just thinking about what would happen when John came? Rodney opened his eyes again.

There was a stone ceiling above him.

John had not come. He had not saved him. He was going to die here.

Rodney cried himself to sleep, waiting for the next "treatment".

**Aww Rodney, noo… *sniff***

**Well, the next chapter is a doozy – 10 pages, over 6000 words… *now I have a headache*. not quite finished yet, either... will post it tonight or tommorrow night. Depending on how I'm feeling. and how many reveiws i get. *grin***

**Please review!**

**Kai xxx**


	12. Small Steps :Logic:

Carson rubbed his eyes when he got back from the coffee run. He clutched the cup, placing it on his desk next to the open file. The thick wad of paper with Rodney's name on the front had become even thicker in the last few days, taking on a size not too big compared to the rest of the flagship team, but still similar in size to good length novel or dictionary. He was about to sit down to make some more notes when he looked up to the bed where his friend was lying. It was out of kilter with the rest of the infirmary, the bed placed at an odd angle so that Rodney wouldn't have to move his head to see the city. From what Carson had been able to glean from a half-asleep John, the sight had relaxed Rodney, reminded him that he was home, not back on the planet. Carson found it rather poetic that even though Rodney wasn't his old self, he was still managing to be the odd one out.

Not his old self.

Carson sighed. He was worried about Rodney. He knew that the broken bones would heal in time, but Rodney was still hurt inside much deeper than, Carson worried, any of them could really understand. He just hoped that they could be there while Rodney healed inside as well.

Carson returned from his wandering thoughts, still looking towards Rodney's bed. He noticed for the first time that John was sitting there still. Carson sighed again – although the man had said that he had slept in his own quarters that night, Carson could tell that the man hadn't. For one, the man looked completely wrecked – and secondly, Carson knew that if John let himself sleep, he wouldn't be beating Carson to the infirmary before the doctor's shift started. The colonel hadn't exactly been sleeping like a baby while Rodney was captured, and he had not let himself catch much since he got back either – and the little he did catch was interrupted by nightmares that forced him to call out slightly from his seat next to his friend's bed. Carson had seen it once, the pilot had called Rodney's name, worried and pained. The doctor had been about to wake the man when he was frozen in place by another sleepy call, this one uttering John's name, worried, lost, confused. Rodney had answered in his sleep. Carson had, at that point, realized how important it was that the two men stayed together. It had been a startlingly bare moment, and Carson had felt like he was somehow intruding on the men. He understood the bond that they already had, and the new strength it had been driven to by the latest crisis; but it was hard on the doctor - he knew that the air force pilot was running himself into a mental state of his own like this - he needed sleep, and soon. Carson was very close to forcing some knock-out drugs into the air force pilot, for his own good, but he wasn't at it yet. Carson saw John get up suddenly, and begin to walk slowly back and forth next to Rodney, kicking his heels. He needed to get out of here for a while.

Carson sighed and looked down at his coffee. He came to a snap decision and popped his head into the adjoining office, where Dr. Biro was muddling through some notes which were spread hap-hazardly around her desk. She was muttering to herself.

"Want a Coffee, Dr. Biro?" Carson asked, holding up his single cup. "I got a spare for you" Biro looked up surprised, then a smile spread on her face

"That would be great Carson, you really are an angel."

"Ah, since you took all the small, less important paper work off me and realized that I'm terrible at the lot of it, you've been run off you feet. It's the least I can do"

"That's true" Biro glanced annoyed at the paper in front of her, then back at Carson, a twinkle in her eye "Maybe a bit less of an angel" Carson smiled, and they shared a chuckle, but then Biro let her smile drop as she looked over towards where Rodney's bed was, even though she couldn't see it from where she was. "Besides. You have more pressing issues." Carson smiled kindly.

"Now you're the angel." Biro smiled, taking the coffee out of Carson's hand. She took a sip, then settled the paper cup on her desk smiling happily. Carson smiled at her one last time when she nodded her thanks, then left to his own office again. He sighed, gathering his thoughts before heading out to the infirmary. He approached John, who looked up as he approached. The doctor nodded, taking the BP and heart rate of his patient. As he did, he looked up at John.

"Och, John, could you get me some coffee? Get yourself something in the mess as well, you need it." John opened his mouth to protest, but Carson held up his hand to stop him

"No. He has been well out of it since this morning. I highly doubt that he is going to wake up in the next ten minutes. Elizabeth also wants to meet up with us, so you're going to have to get out of here for a while at some point anyway. Rodney will be fine" Carson moved closer to John "You need to look after yourself as well." John seemed about to try and fight it, but Carson gave him one of his patented I'm-the-doctor-I-know-better looks, pursing his lips slightly and raising his eyebrows. John crumbled almost immediately, like most did. Except Ronon. Carson was yet to perfect it for Ronon. John began to walk off, and Carson nodded his encouragement.

"Radio me" John said quietly "If anything happens" Carson tapped the small microphone in his ear, showing that he had it on

"Sure. Don't rush too much" Carson said, knowing that his words would have no effect. John left silently, and Carson turned to do some more checks on Rodney, busying himself until the colonel returned. He wanted to leave his friend alone for any length of time as much as John did. He also knew that if John took to his word and ate something substantial – which Carson hoped – he would be gone about twenty minutes. So, after finished the basic checks, Carson straitened Rodney's blankets and sat down next to him, taking the seat only recently vacated by the colonel. He sighed audibly when there was a "whoosh" of the doors opening. He turned around to see with the air force pilot walking in guiltily, carrying two cups of coffee.

"Colonel" He said wearily, raising his eye brows at the man. John held up one of the plastic cups

"I thought I would go to the dispenser and bring you yours quickly rather than going to the mess and bringing it in twenty minutes" He smiled sheepishly "I just thought it would be best. You know. To get your coffee here quickly" John was shifting slightly from foot to foot, holding the coffee out to Carson. The doctor sighed and took the coffee.

"Thanks John, but my orders to get some good food inside of you still stand."

"Has he done anything?" John blurted out.

"Not moved an inch, colonel. You were only gone for ten minutes – if that!" Carson said "I said I would tell you if anything happened, and that hasn't changed" John shifted for a few moments, watching Rodney's face, obviously wanting to stay. "Go, John" Carson said forcefully. John deflated then nodded, turning to leave the infirmary. Once he was gone, Carson turned to look back at his friend, watching his face as avidly as John had been.

"Come on Rodney, we need you to get better" He sighed and sat back slightly, staring up at the ceiling. He had no other patients to be looking after at the moment, so he didn't worry about staying by Rodney's side – and he knew that John was trusting to take his place watching over their friend; not that Carson didn't understand that Rodney would be scared if he woke up alone. Then again, he knew that only John could be around Rodney when he woke up – the scientist had connected to John in his time of need, and it was only him that had remained in the poor man's memory while everything else was wiped clean. Carson hoped that in time, Rodney would return to them completely. He let his head fall in his hands – despite his criticism of the air force pilot, Carson had been having trouble sleeping as well, the worry for his friend keeping him up more than his worry for his patient. He rubbed his eyes, resting them against the lights in the infirmary.

He sat like that for about ten minutes, give or take.

He noticed the change in heart rate almost immediately. Carson stood, looking over at the machine reading off his friends Bp and heart rate. He then looked down at Rodney, checking if perhaps he was having a nightmare.

He jumped when he saw wide, slightly blurry eyes staring back up at him.

_Bloody hell, if he sees me, he might go into another panic attack! _Carson knew that it was late, and that Rodney had seen him, but he still stepped back; he didn't want to antagonize the scientist. He was about to raise a hand to his ear, to call John back despite wanting to let the man eat, but he felt the hand he was going to use suddenly grabbed hold of. He looked down at Rodney, who was straining his eyes to follow Carson. Carson tentatively stepped further forward, allowing Rodney to see him properly. Rodney let go of his arm, and studied his face. He opened his mouth a few times, soundless statements of confusion, fear. For some reason, Carson stayed frozen in place. Another few moments, and Rodney began to look annoyed, as if he was trying to remember something that he couldn't. Carson, very slowly, lifted his hand to his ear. Rodney didn't seem to notice, and once his hand was up, Carson tapped his radio.

"Beckett to Colonel Sheppard" He said, very quietly, watching Rodney for any signs that he has noticed the doctor's actions.

"Doc?" The colonel replied,

"He's awa-"

"Voodoo!" Rodney suddenly exclaimed, looking up at Carson again, hope practically brimming from his eyes. Carson blinked a few times

"I, uuh…"

"I'm on my way" He was surprised to realize he had broadcasted his surprised stuttering through the radio. He let his hand drop, watching Rodney as the man continued to stare at him hopefully. Carson knotted his eyebrows together, not really understanding what Rodney was trying to say. Carson was worried, yes, but he also felt a small fountain of hope spring up in his heart – voodoo was obviously something Rodney didn't yet understand, but it is some part of his old self, his old memories, showing through in an odd way.

Rodney had gone back to his former expression of extreme concentration, as if he was reaching for something just brushing on his finger tips. Carson placed a hand on his shoulder, hoping for Rodney to try some more, to try and access those memories. The moment his hand touched the man's shoulder, he was startled to retreating it by another outburst.

"Carson!" The man practically shouted in desperation, once again looking up with complete hope. Carson himself looked back with eyes he was sure would be full of joy. Rodney had remembered another name. Maybe, just maybe, Rodney was coming back to them, quicker than even he ever expected. Taking in Carson's expression, Rodney let a bright, honest-to-god smile erupt onto his face. "Carson!" He said again, joyful. Carson smiled back.

"Aye, that's right lad" Carson placed a hand on Rodney's, patting it. Rodney held his hand for a moment, gripping it, still looking up at the doctor happily. He let his joyful gaze wander lazily around the room, and Carson let him. He silently looked at the machines wired up to Rodney, checking the numbers. He looked back immediately, however, when he felt Rodney's hand stiffen under his. He took a moment to take in Rodney's stiff form and wide eyes, staring out onto the city. He was confused for a moment – John had said that the site of the city had calmed Rodney before, which is why they had gone through the slow process of moving the bed around without waking his patient. Carson only understood what was distressing his friend when the scientist glanced at the wall next to him; in the direction that the window would have been if Rodney had been left still.

"We moved your bed, Rodney, so you could see the city" He said, touching the man's shoulder again. Rodney's eyes flickered around the window, but he seemed to be more aware, less frozen in fear now. Carson continued to mutter calming words until Rodney relaxed again, settling into the bed slightly. Carson relaxed, the fear of his patient having another panic attack wearing off slightly, but not completely. Rodney was obviously still on edge, despite improving. His mind on those improvements, Beckett decided to test how far ahead Rodney had come. He didn't want to rush the man, but he knew that the scientist had become so internalized, he needed to ask or he would never know.

"Can you tell me your name?" He asked. Rodney looked up at him in surprise at the speech, then furrowed his eye brows, obviously not quite understanding again. Beckett placed his hand on Rodney's chest, indicating the scientist "Your name" He said, slowly. Rodney looked down, thinking silently, then suddenly looked up again, hope on his face.

"Rodney?" He asked tentatively. Carson smiled happily.

"That's right" He said. He leant back again, giving Rodney his space again. He let the scientist have a few moments, then asked the next question, deciding to try despite not thinking that Rodney could do it.

"Can you tell me what you do?" He asked, tentatively hopeful. Rodney seemed to think for a moment, once again looking down and furrowing his eyebrow. When he looked back up again, however, he looked pained. He seemed to study Carson's face for a moment, as if he might find the answer there. After seeming to give up, he let his shoulders sag and sighing. Carson sighed worriedly. "Try to think - What you do. Can you tell me what your job is here in Atlantis?" He elaborated, hoping the different wording might ring a bell. At the last word, Rodney suddenly sat up.

"Atlantis!!" He exclaimed, startling Carson into moving back half a step. "Atlantis - Home! Safe!" Rodney looked hopeful, stringing the mismatched words together to try and get across his point. Carson was confused for a moment, then remembered that John had called Atlantis safe, and said it was home when he had been comforting Rodney earlier. Rodney was simply clutching to the word "Atlantis" and hoping. Carson was not surprised, it had been too early to expect that much of his friend.

"That's right lad" He comforted, a small smile on his face. Rodney seemed to realize he had been wrong though, as he sunk back into his pillows dejectedly. Carson placed a hand back on his shoulder. Rodney only sighed miserably.

There was the whoosh of the infirmary door opening, and Carson looked up o greet him silently. The air force pilot had slowed down, not wanting to start a panic attack or anything else. He looked at Carson for a lead, and the doctor indicated the bad, silently telling him it was okay to approach. John jogged the last few meters, stopping a tad to violently at the side of Rodney's bed for Carson's liking – and Rodney's too, it would seem. The scientist flinched and did not look up, his face a picture of fear. Carson glared at the pilot, but half heartedly, knowing that the colonel just wanted to see that Rodney was okay.

"Hey, Ssh, it's just the colonel" he said calmly, rubbing Rodney's shoulder. Rodney slowly began to relax and turn towards the colonel, who looked pained at his effect on his friend. However, when Rodney saw who it was, his face lit up brightly, and Carson saw John reflect the action. They both smiled at each other. Then, John looked up at Carson, confusion on his face. He opened his mouth to speak when suddenly Rodney spoke up again.

"Carson!" He announced, with child-like pride. He pointed at the doctor by his side, and smiled happily. John smiled an amazement and happiness himself, grinning at Carson momentarily before patting Rodney on the shoulder. It was less of the gentle, soft touched that had been shared the last few days, more a remnant of the older, more familiar reassurances. Neither men seemed to notice the change, but Carson did.

"Yeah, that's right!" John smiled down at his friend, who grinned back "Good on you, buddy!" he seemed genuinely excited, and it was heartwarming to see. Carson saw John allow a tiny amount of stiffness to relax out of him as he allowed himself a tiny amount of hope. John looked up at Carson. "He learnt your name" He stated, not really turning it into a question, more a statement of surprise.

"Aye lad, I know. It's an amazing feat for him. It seems to be the only piece of information that has been recently jogged – except for his connection between me and the word "voodoo"." Carson smiled, amused despite himself. "It looks, though, like there is hope for him again." John smiled, looking down at Rodney

"There was always hope for him." He said

"There was" Carson smiled. They stayed that way for a while, both men smiling at the man by whom the smile was returned with child-like pleasure. The two men were broken from their reverie, however, when a voice crackled over their radios.

"Dr. Beckett, Colonel Sheppard, please respond." Their hands flew up to their radios

"Were both here, what do you need?" Sheppard asked quietly, beating the doctor to the radio.

"This is Weir" Both men started in surprise, both having been too engrossed in their own thoughts to register the voice when they first heard it.

"Elizabeth sorry, go on"

"We were meant to be having a meeting now." Elizabeth stated. Carson and John both checked their watches – Carson realized his shift had ended about half an hour ago, and John suddenly remembered that he had half-heartedly agreed to the meeting when Elizabeth had come to visit Rodney, not really happy about leaving his friends side.

He was even less happy about it now.

"Elizabeth, he's awake"

"Is he okay?" Was her immediate response, her worry for Rodney showing through her voice.

"Aye, he seems to be alright for now." Beckett nodded despite being on the radio

"I would rather not leave, to be honest…" John said, flashing a smile at the man, who returned it. The pause from Elizabeth said all the things she didn't – she seriously needed a complete debrief on the mission, and an update from Beckett, and she had already put it off a lot. It was just bad luck that Rodney was awake when she had allotted them her time – she was a much busier person than most people bothered to see, and she probably would not have another free slot until tomorrow, at least. Both John and Carson knew this, and they also knew that Elizabeth would not say a thing. They were right.

"That's fine. Let me know if anything changed. Weir out"

"Wait, Elizabeth" Carson said, making John look up at him in surprise. "I think we need to see how he will cope if we do leave him, so that we can gauge further his psychological...condition" all three of them were painfully aware of the word _damage_ that had nearly crossed Carson's lips. "Just give us a few minutes and we will get back to you."

"Don't push him too hard, Carson"

"You don't have to tell me Elizabeth." Carson smiled. "Carson out." He looked at John. "Give it a try."

"Hey buddy" He said, laying a hand on Rodney's shoulder, smiling. "It's great that you're up, and your memory seems to be really good, well done, but I need to go…" He trailed off tentatively, not wanting to antagonize Rodney, who seemed to look worried for a moment, but made no movement. John began to move away slowly, and once again Rodney reached out and held it, and action repeated many times in the last few days.

"No" His voice was strangles with fear. John and Carson exchanged a look, and within the two small smiles was encompassed resignation, and sadness at Rodney's condition. "Please" Rodney whispered. John smiled and sat down at the man, moving his hand so that he could hold Rodney's move comfily from his new position

"There" He said "I'm not going anywhere". Rodney relaxed, letting out a breath neither men had realized he had been holding. John looked up at Carson with a lopsided grin, shrugging. Carson rolled his eyes, then retreated into another part of the infirmary to radio Elizabeth and let her know that John, at least, couldn't make it. John stayed by Rodney's side as the scientist seemed to drift off again, relaxing silently into his own thoughts. John settled into his own, accidentally allowing his hand to slip from his friend's. Neither man noticed. They sat that way in silence for a few minutes, Carson returning for a moment to tell John that Elizabeth has decided to reschedule; she would rather have both of them there for the debriefing and update. John had agreed, not really focusing. He just watched McKay, willing him to get better, to turn and to have an honest-to-god chat with him about nothing and everything. He just wanted him to come back to him completely.

Suddenly, Rodney began to squirm. John looked up at him to see his eyes flitting around the room manically, as if seeing something no one else could see. John knew the signs. He stood up and leant over Rodney.

"No, Rodney, don't go back there, stay with me" He said, trying to drill the words into the scientist's head. His friend did not respond, however, and John was painfully aware of Rodney slipping away; the incessant beeping of his heart rate monitor was speeding up, and his breathing was becoming panicked. John watched in desperation for a moment, still babbling to his friend. "Come on, buddy, you're right here in Atlantis, you know you're here, stay here, stay in the present!" He grabbed the panicking man's hand again, clutching it, and he saw in immediate response from his friend. The man began to relax, the beeping and his breathing becoming slower and more regulated. "Yeah, that's right, come back here, relax, its okay." He murmured slowly. Rodney closed his eyes completely, relaxing. John felt himself share the sigh that came raggedly from the man's lips. "There we are, all good". He whispered, sitting down again. He was tired. Keeping vigil on McKay had been taxing – no one had seen, but even when Rodney was asleep he had been lost in nightmares, and John had had to talk to him, to calm him, hoping that his words had filtered through from the waking world to the horror filled one where Rodney was trapped. And when he was awake, McKay had been drifting into the places even more. John was scared, lost, uneasy and mentally and physically exhausted. He just wanted his friend to get better.

Rodney began to cry suddenly. John was startled by it, sitting up to see he had heard the stifled sob or just imagined it. There had been no panic, no fast beeping or ragged breaths, no thrashing or anything else that would normally accompany one of McKay's visits to the past. Instead, the man was just laying there, completely still, tears running across his face and onto the pillow. It was unnerving.

"McKay!" John said, placing a gentle hand on his friends arm "Rodney, what's up?" He didn't know what to do – he had been able to shake his friend out of his panic attacks, but this wasn't something that he can be shocked from. John was completely lost. "Hey, answer man! Don't let go, come on, there's nothing wrong, you're here! Wake the hell up, damn it!" He was getting more and more irate "McKay!! Open your eyes!" He continued to call him, to try and talk to him, to try and bring his friend back. But nothing happened, nothing woke Rodney up. John felt tears sting his eyes as Carson appeared at his side, checking Rodney physically. In the end, John was fighting tears when Carson decided to sedate Rodney, so that he can at least escape wherever he was into a deep, dreamless slumber.

It did not make John feel better. John sat, exhausted, by Rodney's bed as he slept, his head falling forward onto the bed. He felt himself drift into a fitful sleep.

oOo

Carson walked across the bridge towards Elizabeth's office, John in tow. He noticed that Teyla and Ronon were already waiting with the expedition head, and he and John both quickened their pace. Carson's shift had been prolonged by about ten minutes and John had decided to wait for him – as always still in the infirmary, meaning that they were both late for the planned meeting. Not that either was particularly looking forward to I – both knew that it would be the turning point on what happens to their friend, and they were both painfully aware of where his path could lead – back to earth, and a padded room. Neither wanted that. In fact, they both dreaded it with all their hearts.

"Sorry we're late" Carson said as he and John sat down at the two empty chairs in front of Weir's desk. Elizabeth excused them gently with a wave of her hand as she put down the pen she had been using to fill in a form. She sat up slightly, hands clasped on the desk in front of her. The room seemed to chill a few degrees, no one entirely wanting to start a conversation that could end badly.

"The SGC has been informed about Rodney's condition." Elizabeth stated, deadpan. Carson took a sharp intake of breath, hearing others in the room showing surprise in their own ways. This was worse than they had realized.

"Already?" John asked, agitated

"I sent a communiqué with Caldwell just as he left communications range. The SGC will get it in about two weeks. I'm sorry John, but you know we couldn't exactly keep it from them, even though it could be bad news for us all" _For Rodney mainly _Carson thought. "Caldwell has said that he thinks that McKay should be sent to earth, even if only for a short time."

"Of course he has" John growled.

"I believe I do not entirely understand" Teyla said "Surely this is not a bad thing – with help from your home planet we can ensure that Rodney will receive the proper attention and heal in good time."

"That is what the SGC will think" Elizabeth said, sighing.

"They will want to take him away." John said, not quite making it a question. Carson could tell that, like him, John had already assumed the answer.

"They'll say that the facilities on earth are better for his condition." Carson found it odd that they were all talking as if earth had already given its verdict, but they all knew that the SGC will want Rodney back on earth.

"He can heal just as well here" Ronen interjected gruffly "And he likes it here more, the city's important to him."

"And it has become apparent that the city has become important to him, important for the healing process" Carson interjected "The sight of the city and the knowledge that he is in Atlantis has helped to ground him during his panic attacks." Elizabeth nodded.

"I know this – but I can't deny that we don't have the facilities to look after someone in a condition grounded so much in… psychological trauma.

"But it wasn't anything psychological that started it!" John said irately "It was that damn drug they pumped into is system! Come on Carson" Carson looked up at the man, surprised "Tell me you can counteract it with something medical?"

Carson sighed "I'm afraid I can't, Colonel. The drug has been completely broken up and expelled by his system – it is the psychological after-effects we are dealing with here. However, I think that they can be overcome." All eyes I the room locked onto him intensely. "Already, Rodney has remembered mine and John's names, and although it isn't conscious, his connection with Atlantis herself is still strong. I think that, as long as the drug is not kept in his system, he can make a full recovery. However, it will be a long and bumpy road. There are a lot of factors we can't ignore that could become a lot of trouble.

"Like what?" Elizabeth prompted.

"Rodney has been suffering from hallucinations. " John sat up suddenly.

"What?" He said "I haven't seen that" _and I have been there the whole time._

"I know, it hasn't been very obvious. However… he has been slipping in and out of the memories, which he has been reliving violently, with only the tiniest prompt for those memories to occur."

"They aren't hallucinations, he's just…confused" John said, angrily.

"I know John, but we don't know what it could deteriorate to."

"Sounds like you've given up on him" Was Ronon's deep reply. Carson found himself bristling, anger replacing his normal calm.

"You see here, Ronon – I want Rodney to go as much as you do. Need I remind you that we have been friends for a long time. But as his doctor, I have to present the facts, and I will present them exactly the same to anyone from earth who asks. I'm going to fight this, but I'm not going to lie. Rodney would have better facilities back on earth."

"Given time" Teyla interjected "Do you think that Dr. McKay could heal?" Carson squirmed, not really sure. He wanted to say yes, no question – but he did not want to tempt fate.

"I honestly can't say in faith. I think he _could_, yes, but it will be a long hard trip, and it will be taxing on all of us. I want to think, to hope that we can pull him through." He sighed.

" But the IOA aren't ones to allow us things just because were faithful." John growled, directing silent anger at the IOA in general.

"Aye" Carson sighed.

"So" Ronon said "We tell them we can't have him" The runner fingered his gun, giving the silent message that _he _wasn't going to give McKay up over something as silly as chain of command, politics and the law. Carson had expected no less.

"We don't have much choice" Elizabeth said, sighing. "If the IOA choose to take him back, we have to let him go. But don't worry" She held up her hand to stop the people in the room from protesting "I am not going to give him up without one hell of a fight. I have already brought us the six or seven weeks until the Daedalus arrives back here before Caldwell will give an official report and the IOA will come to a decision."Elizabeth sighed. "I know it's not much, but if we can show even the tiniest of an improvement by then I can fight with it even then to keep him here." Elizabeth nodded. "So, with that deadline in mind, what can we know about him?" She directed the question at Carson, who took on a business like tone.

"His leg is healing nicely – although, of course, it was still a pretty nasty break. He can be up and about within two weeks, with a brace, but complete and final healing is going to take much longer. His ribs are in a similar situation, although slightly worse after he damaged them more in one of his most violent panic attacks yet." They all nodded, knowing about the time Rodney had thrown himself out of bed. Carson ploughed on. "He is going to be out of commission physically for a while, but there is no worrying or lasting damage." Carson reported. Elizabeth nodded.

"How about not physically?" She asked tentatively. Carson knew that although he had already told her Rodney's chances, she wanted to know as much as possible – she was like that when one of her people got badly injured.

"Once again, the main fear is of the hallucinations becoming out of hand. Now his mind seems to be becoming less clouded, he is thinking clearer – and although this may seem to be good, there is a chance that he will simply be more and more involved in the hallucinations, that they will become more real. And when he becomes physically active again, he may start to act upon wheat he is seeing." The room was silent and still, each fearing for Rodney, hoping that he will get better. Carson took a moment to share that fear and hope, before continuing on. "However, there is also good news" He let a smile gently onto his lips, encouraging and soft. "He, as you know, remembered John's name immediately – from what we assume, he had been thinking of the colonel's promised rescue" Carson saw John flinch at the word 'promised', but decided not to pry , only pausing to gather his thoughts again for half a second. "The colonels promised rescue when he was being …tested on" the words tasted bitter, and he saw anger flit across the face of each of the other members of the room. "He has already begun to remember words, though not yet can he properly string a sentence together, though he has become close."

"How close?" Teyla asked, looking at Carson intently. The doctor shifted, letting his finger glance across at John. Carson had heard it, but he did not know if the rest of the group had.

"He asked me why we were still on the planet, why I hadn't come to rescue him like I had promised" John said softly, looking down. "That's the best he has done so far." Teyla dropped her head.

"I am sorry John" She said. Carson knew that John was raw about leaving Rodney, and that he was telling himself he had not arrived soon enough. He had told himself he would talk to him later, but not yet had he had the chance – and he was not going to begin to ask the man to bare himself here. The colonel would hardly bare himself in a completely empty room, Carson felt. John seemed to deflate further for a few seconds, then took an audible breath and sat up again.

"But he remembered Carson's name as well, even though there was nothing linking him. That means that he just knew who he was from memories, or seeing him, or something. That means he's still getting stuff back from before"

"He also said the word "voodoo" to me." Carson interjected a small smile on her lips. Elizabeth looked confused.

"Voodoo?"

"Yeah, Rodney is always saying that my work isn't science, but only voodoo. By using that word he is pretty much definitely accessing from his own memories, or they are being jogged at his sight of me – as although he could have heard my name in his sleep and catalogued, only he says that my work is voodoo, he hasn't heard it." Carson thought it odd that despite the tiny proportion of what he had just said, the room seemed set on cheering and dancing. "It's a small step" He said.

"But is shows that he can make the bigger ones" Ronon finished for him, dispensing some of the wisdom that few but those who know him well notice. Carson nodded, his eyes sparkling.

"Hope is most defiantly there, aye." He said. The meeting wound down after that happier note, each feeling a weight off their shoulders – however, Carson knew that they were all as aware as he was that Rodney had to get better soon, or they would lose him, and they couldn't do that.

Carson looked up and sent a silent prayer to whatever twisted god watched over the Pegasus galaxy for him to let off his beat-the-living-hell-out-of-them regime and let Rodney get better with no problems.

He feared that his friend would not be so lucky.

oOo

John was walking with his hands in his pockets, back slumped. He glared down at the floor as if it was entirely its fault. He had been forcedly removed from the infirmary, Carson telling him he had to get out of there for a bit. Rodney was sedated again, so he wasn't going to wake up, so the doctor had told him to get some food, some air, and some rest. Having already poked his food around his plate in the mess hall, and knowing that sleep was going to be little and far between, John was settling for air.

He had chosen a balcony near to Rodney's lab. Often, when he had found the scientist not in the mess hall for lunch, he would stock up two trays and go down to the lab to poke him into eating something, normally coercing his friend to get out of the lab while he had. Rodney would always grumble about being too far from his projects for too long, and how he was an important guy, and had compromised at the nearest balcony a long time ago. They would often sit there for long after they had finished lunch, trading barbs and avoiding returning to work despite Rodney's protests. Then, they would go their separate ways; Rodney back to his lab, and John to take the empty trays to the mess hall then on to another way to put off his paperwork for as long as possible.

He didn't really know why he was going there today – he couldn't avoid the fact that it had been purposeful; he had passed many perfectly good balconies on his way here. He knew that it was going to be painful to sit there without his friend, but he had found himself making his way there anyway.

He was only ten minutes away when he passed Rodney's lab. He was about to walk past when he heard a loud crash.

"Hernajz!![1]" Came the angry call from inside.

"Radek!" the annoyed reply was almost as loud, and just as irate.

"No!" the Czech shouted. "I cannot do it!" John paused, finding himself eavesdropping without even realizing it. "I cannot continue like this – I am not for leading other people! McKay is just going to have to wake up and take this stupid job back off me. I'm going down there right now!"

"Radek, calm down!"

"I can't! Not only am I being forced to do work I am not happy doing, I am being forced to do it while my friend is lying unconscious in the infirmary upstairs! That damn man is always finding new, innovative ways to make my life harder and harder!! I swear, he does it on purpose! I am going down there now to make him get better!" A ghost of a sympathetic smile curved John's lips. This was the Czech's way of worrying for their friend.

"Radek, you know that we can't help him." The other voice, John didn't recognize them, stopped Radek's aggravated footfalls towards the door.

"I know, I just hate this. He better get well again soon"

"There are rumors going around that he won't get better" John felt his stomach clench in anger at the news. Already, people were whispering that his friend was too far gone. "People think that they're going to send them back to earth."

"They can't do that!" Radek's angered voice rose to new heights. "Elizabeth, and Rodney's team, they won't let them!" _You're damn right we won't. _John thought.

"They won't get a choice, not if the IOA order it."

"Well I don't care!" The man growled "We can stop anyone getting to I'm if we want, we can just hack into the system an-"

"Hey guys!" John announced himself, deciding that the conversation had been getting out of hand.

"Oh, ah, colonel, uhm…" Radek stammered. The other scientist, a tall man with short slightly spiky hair, let his head fall into his hands. John recognized him as a new recruit

"Radek" John grinned.

"uhm, yes?" Radek stared at the floor sheepishly..

"We're not letting him go anywhere. Don't worry." Radek looked up, hope in his eyes. He then realized that that meant that John had been listening for a while. He pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Ah, about that, Colonel, you know I would never do anything like…uh…"

"Hacking into the system to stop people getting at McKay?"

"Yeah…"

"You could do that?" John asked, a small mischievous smile flitting across his face.

"Well, uuh, yes, quite easily." Radek glanced sideways at the other scientist, who had raised an eyebrow. In confusion.

"Well then." John grinned, leaving the rest of the sentence open for interpretation.

"Colonel, are you implying…" John held up his arms, palm outwards.

"I'm not implying anything. Just wandering. We _should_ be able to fight this diplomatically anyway" John said. He then turned to leave with a small, amused smile on his face.

McKay had a lot of friends , even if they all said he was obnoxious and annoying– and John knew that if the IOA wanted to take him away, it would be met with a lot of resistance.

He continued onto the balcony and found himself at ease considerably more than he had expected.

**Wow, this is a long one. 7,500 words in the end… one of my longest ever.**

**Sorry if it's a bit weak, with it being so long I fear it may be too easy for me to have missed mistakes… please let me know.**

**And once again, sorry about the mishap with the last chapter – the notification email would have given you nothing, then you would not have got a second one when I actually posted it…which is why im posting this one now, cause people wont see the last one without another notification.**

**Hope you liked it!! Pleeeeease review!!**

**Kai xxx**

[1] – Hernajz – "God Damn it"


	13. Rest and Recuperation :Emotions:

Snoring.

It was not a new sound, but it still brought a smile to his face. It meant that John was there, in the infirmary, sleeping in the bed next to him. Rodney smiled, returning to the memory of Carson complaining that John was only taking up space and that he wasn't actually ill, so he didn't need to be there. John had fought that he was being Rodney's moral support, and Rodney was secretly glad that he wanted to stay. It had made him very happy at the time, and it still did every time he realised that John was right next to him, with him.

Warmth

He was warm inside, happy, he was doing okay. New people came to his bed, and he had been scared at first. He had held onto John, had tried to put on a brave face, to face them all, but it had been too much. It had taken very little to read the emotions on their faces – sadness, lost hope, insecurity, fear. They had left with a dark cloud of unhappy around them. Rodney had felt unhappy to, felt like he had failed them. He knew, somehow, that he used to be clever. Fleeting bits of knowledge would arrive in his head for no reason ten leave again, taunting him. He hated not knowing stuff.

Annoyance.

It was horribly aggravating. He had told John, a few days ago, and he had said that the old McKay was coming back. Rodney had not understood that, but he had seen the flicker of hope on the face of his friend that was hidden behind the cheeky grin and the amused twinkle in his eye.

More Snoring.

He was brought back to the present by a rather unattractive snort from his friend that made him smile, amused. He would make fun of his friend when he woke up. He remembered when he had first made fun of him. Carson had been nearby and they had both stopped dead.

"_Well, I have...reason to uh, to be here – John has better...jobs...not even ill, are you?!" _It hadn't been as eloquent as he had thought it, but it had got the meaning across, with the help of hi amused grin and raised eyebrow. He knew it was a shadow of what he once was, but it was something, he was sure – the reactions of his friends had been evident enough. At first, Rodney had taken their silence to mean he had done something wrong – but it had only taken a moment for the joy, the hope, that had replaced the evident surprise on their faces. They had grinned so hard their faces should have split in two, Rodney decided, snorting at the memory.

Sighing happily, Rodney rolled over and tried to relax into sleep.

More snoring.

Good god that was beginning to grate.

One of them had warned him about this. Damnit, what was that name...

Sadness.

He still hadn't learnt any more names. The disappointed faces of his two friends told him that was bad, but he could tell anyway. He did recognise people though. He would remember from his dreams – the really big, strong one, whose emotions were very well hidden – Rodney could still see them, but it was more trouble than normal. He would also get annoyed when Rodney would inspect his face for the emotions. It unnerved the man. On learning that, Rodney had taken extra effort to inspect him long after he needed to. Carson had picked up on it though, spoiling his fun. There was a woman as well – two, in fact. The first was dark skinned, and wore her good emotions more openly – but the bad ones; sadness, fear; they were better hidden. But Rodney could see them, in her eyes. The second woman, with light skin but dark hair, was much more open, almost allowing Rodney to read her. She had a fierce hope that overrode the fear tenfold. It settled Rodney, slightly. The final person he had recognised was small, and bedraggled, and not often by his bed side. He was nervous, unsure about how to act around Rodney. It was his reactions that told Rodney how much he had changed from the person they had all known. He was sure he would find a way to turn back. He had to. They had faith in him, all of them did. He just needed to have some sleep. No wait – he needed to have some faith in himself.

Smiling, he assumed that that was his mind telling him it was time to rest. He came back to the present and melted into the pillows that had become his home.

Snoooring...

"Oh for- " Rodney said aloud, before pulling his pillow from under him and throwing it violently towards John. John grunted in his sleep, grabbed the pillow and went right back to snoring. Rodney growled and looked at the small table by his bed. A few objects were scattered on it, of varying heaviness's. Not knowing what any of them are, he decides to simply reach for the hardest, a small box that the small, bedraggled figure had left behind. Putting all of his effort into the throw, he lobbed the small machine at his friend's head.

It hit its head with a satisfying thunk.

More satisfying, however, was the deranged yelp, followed by flailing limbs, getting caught up in the sheet, and then falling unceremoniously off the bed. John sat on the floor, blinking dizzily for a few moments before turning a homicidal glare towards Rodney. Rodney shrugged.

"Snoring." He explained. John growled and stood up.

"You did not need to throw a palm pilot at me, Rodney."

"Pillow didn't work" Rodney shrugged again. John looked back to his own bed, obviously only now noticing the extra pillow. "Was trying to sleep" Rodney grumped. John smiled and picked up the pillow, handing it back. Rodney took it and paced it back under his head, resting happily against the softness. He was dimly aware of John getting back into his own bed, but he was already falling asleep.

There was only one thing he was aware of as he fell back into the darkness.

Snoring...

oOo

Silence.

No one was there. The infirmary was empty, John was not there anymore. Where was John? Maybe he had left for a bit.

Panic.

Calm.

He had to stay calm. Sometimes, John had to go do stuff, he knew that.

But normally, someone would be there when he was gone. Maybe Carson was just in the little room he goes to nearby, he did that sometimes, yes, it would be okay.

"Carson?" He was calling out before he realized what he was doing. There was no reply. "Carson!" He called again, louder this time. He felt the panic rising; pushing back the logical thought he had been getting back over the last week. Blind emotion was rising up his throat, threatening to take over.

Fear.

He could not hold back the fear. What if they had been taken? What if there was something wrong, what if they were hurt, or worse? Maybe the people who had taken him were back.

He had to get out. He had to escape; he wouldn't let them take him, not again, never again. He knew he had to run. Run away. He swung his legs over the side of the bad and stood up.

Pain.

Vicious pain, shooting up his leg. Dulled, slightly, as if it was being masked but so bad it was breaking through. He shouted out, falling to the floor, clutching his leg.

So much pain.

It brought tears to his eyes, shooting angry spikes of pain up his leg with every heartbeat. He refused to cry, only sat there, biting his lip, cradling his leg, waiting for the pain to recede.

It did, after a while, but not until after Rodney began to see spots on his vision. He blinked them away, hoping it would get rid of the headache plaguing him. The spots cleared, but his headache stayed, muddling his thoughts. He couldn't understand why he was alone.

Alone.

Where was John?

Betrayal.

Why had they left him? Had he done something wrong? He had been doing fine, they kept telling him he was doing great, why had they abandoned him? Why? Why?! He didn't understand.

He hated not understanding.

He had to escape. What if the bad people came back? He had to get out of sight. He looked at his leg, wondering if he could move about on it.

Pain.

It wasn't even _real_ pain, but Rodney knew that it would become real if he even tried it. So, he had to find a place to hide. He grabbed the bed, clawing at the material in an attempt to pull himself up. The first sheet came down on top of him pulling the pillows with it. Grunting, he pushed the offending material off and grabbed the bed again, pulling himself up. He grappled for a few moments half way up before falling back again with a shout. Trying to haul yourself up with only one foot on the floor is hard, he decided. Sped on by his fear, he tried again. With a lot of grunting and curses, he found himself on one foot, he other held well off the floor.

Loss

What was he meant to do? He had always had John to protect him recently, if John was here, that would be okay! But John was gone, John had left him.

He couldn't run anywhere. He had to hide. He looked around the room, he needed somewhere to hide.

His eyes were drawn to the corner by his bed. His bed had been moved, so that he could see the city properly. He had liked that, it had made him happier. Now, looking out on the vista of Atlantis at night, he could only feel fear.

What was out there?

The bed had been pressed into the corner at an angle, leaving a triangle of space. It was small, but h could fit into it. It wasn't much, but it would do.

It would have to do.

Gritting his teeth through the pain in the movement, he manoeuvred himself back onto the bed, crawling over it carefully. Sharp stabs of pain wracked his body from his leg and his chest, now, but he had to get to the other side. He finally grappled to the edge, then looked downwards to the floor. It was smaller than he had thought. He didn't like small spaces.

Fear.

He did not want to go in there. He pulled back from the small, dark space instinctively, planning on finding another place to hide.

Noise.

A clatter, something metal falling to the floor. Rodney looked over his shoulder fearfully, listening out.

Footsteps. Coming closer.

He had to escape!! He had to hide from the people coming. He swung his legs around him, twisting his chest painfully. He bit his lip against crying out, lowering his good leg to the floor. He then held onto the bed and lowered himself into the gap. Once he was in, he let his other leg fall to the floor slowly. Each excruciating movement had taken its toll, and it was all Rodney could do to sit in the small nook, his eyes closed, breathing deep sighs of relief. Here, he would be safe. He would be safe. He opened his eyes.

Fear.

There were walls, all around him, what if he wanted to escape quickly, he couldn't. Walls, small spaces, no escape...

"_Mer!"_

"_Jeannie! I'm down here" A small head pokd over the top of the shaft Rodney had fallen down._

"_Mer! Are you alright?"_

"_uuh..." No! My leg is trapped under a ton of soil and rock and I cant even feel any pain and thats probably not good and what if this place still isn't stable, what if it comes down on me am I ok?! What kind of stupid question is that?! "Im fine, Jeannie. But if you could go get Mum or Dad, it would be great..." He trailed off as Jeannie pulled a fearful face._

"_But they're fighting again."_

"_I know" Rodney was painfully aware of what happened when one of them interrupted an argument. It was never pretty, and Rodney desperately wanted to protect Jeannie from that, but he didn't have another option "But my leg is really beginning to hurt, and I really need to get out of here..." Actually, now he thought about it, his leg was beginning to hurt... that was a good thing, at least he could feel it now._

Ok_ he thought _I take that back, that is not a good thing _Barbs of pain were beginning to radiate from his leg, running all the way down to his foot and up to his hip. He grunted in pain, trying to hide it from Jeannie, who was still loitering in indecision at the top of the hole. She dropped to her knees again._

"_Mer? Are you alright?"_

"_Just my leg" Rodney grunted. Jeannie stood up suddenly_

"_I'll go get them now."_

"_Thanks Jeannie" and with that, she was gone. Rodney counted the seconds until she got back, telling himself that he wasn't scared. He was ten! Double figures! Soon, he would be going to high school. He had to be strong, he couldn't be scared. He waited for Jeannie to get back._

_Jeannie did not get back._

_What if something had happened to her? She never played near the old quarry without him, anything could have happened. He shouldn't have sent her away. What if she is trapped to? How will either of them escape? They're going to die here, both of them, and it was going to be all Rodney's fault._

_Just him, him and one, continuous wall, all around him, boxing him in. God, what if something collapsed and he was left without air! He was going to die, be it from starvation, or suffocation, or from whatever the hell was wrong with his leg..._

_Speaking of which, he suddenly registered wetness on his leg, and wandered what it was. He tried to reach into the hole, to feel it, and dislodges a small stone._

_A small avalanche of soil and rocks tumbled onto his legs._

_Rodney shouted out in agony, then was gone._

_Drifting in and out of awareness.._

"_Mer! I found a police! He's gonna get help! _

"_It's all right, son, were gonna get you out of here"_

_Pain...Voices...movement...more pain.._

Voices.

Rodney was dragged violently back to the present, shaking violently and sweating. Such a small space...

He had to stay calm, focus on the voices.

"Oh, no..." A static noise "Chuck, we have a problem." A moments silence "Dr. McKay is missing" _And wouldn't you like to find me, to take me back _"I'm gonna get Beckett, can someone wake the Colonel for me?" _Why?! Where are you keeping them? What have you done to them._

Panic, again, more panic. He had to stay calm. He could go help those two when they had stopped looking for him, and when his leg gets less painful. Yes, he would do that. For now, he just needed to rest...

oOo

Rodney woke up with a start, shaking. He looked around madly, but he couldn't see, all he could see was walls, he was trapped, how had he got here? What was happening?! He clutched his head, trying to sort out his memories.

They all came flooding back in one, horrifying moment, John and Carson gone, everyone gone, he was going to be captured again and now he was trapped and couldn't get out, and-

Voices?

"We have to be careful with him, both mentally and physically"

"You don't need to say it, Doc, I was gonna already."

Was that...

Was that John!? And Carson?! Rodney's heart fluttered in hope, and he looked up over the edge of the bed.

"John?" He whispered. They did not respond. Neither of them turned around, neither of them looked. Maybe they hadn't heard him? Yes, that was it. He opened his mouth to say it again when John finished talking and jogged out of the room. The call died on his lips.

John? Why was he leaving? Rodney still felt the pain, and the fuzz that was trying to stop it, and both were hindering his thought process. Rodney leant back again, trying to muddle it through, but he just felt like John had left him. He couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal again. He tried to sit up again, to look out over the infirmary, but suddenly felt the sharp pain in his chest returning. He sucked in breath through his teeth and clutched it, falling back against the wall again. Moving anytime soon, he decided, would not work too well. He tried to listen to the noises of the infirmary.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...

Pacing?

Someone was pacing. And muttering under their breath. Maybe it was Carson! Rodney hoped it was, but it could be one of the Eroditians...or a wraith...or something...

Rodney decided to buff up, he had to try, he had to do something.

"Carson?" He called out, weakly.

Well, it's something.

The tapping stopped, but Carson didn't run to help him, didn't move.

"Carson?" He repeated, louder.

"Rodney?" Rodney couldn't mistake the kind voice he had come to know so well.

"Carson!" He said, more out of joy than anything else.

"Where are you lad?"

"Bed" Rodney said, hoping it was enough to direct Carson towards him. He looked hopefully up over the edge, still not wanting to move and hurt his ribs more. He heard Carson say something, but didn't catch what it was. He held his breath for what felt like eons, then let it out in a sigh of relief when he felt the bed shift under someone's weight. Suddenly, Carson's head loomed in the light, haloing it angelically. Rodney smiled, and Carson smiled back, wary but kind.

"What are you doing down there?" Rodney thought about it, trying to get his own sentence into an order before he spoke.

"Gone, John and you" He said "Alone" He pointed at himself. "Was worried for you...maybe...something bad..." He grimaced "Tried to escape, but..." He looked at his leg "Pain."

"Ach, Rodney, nothing had happened to us. I'm so sorry no one was here when you woke u. It won't happen again. Come on, can you get out of there?" Carson held out a hand to help. Rodney clutched his chest, unsure.

"Moving, pain" He said. Carson's hand retracted and he looked around at the space Rodney was in.

"Aye, I can imagine. How did you get yourself wedged in there? Alright how about this." He spoke slowly, letting Rodney understand him. "I move the bed so that I can come in and help you up, then we get you back on the bed. How about that?" Rodney shifted, thinking, still holding his chest.

"Pain" He said, worried that he would hurt his chest and leg more.

"I know, but this is the best way to do this. Okay?" Rodney worried for a moment more and then nodded. Carson smiled warmly and pulled back from the edge of the bed.

_Her small head looming in the light at the top of the hole, suddenly retracted, gone, would she ever come back? Would he be trapped??_

"Carson?!" Rodney said

"I'm still here, Rodney, its okay, it's going to be okay. Alright, I'm going to call back the co- John, so he can help me move the bed."Rodney still couldn't see Carson, but he knew he was there, he could hear him moving about. "John, he's still here...Yes...in the infirmary, yeah. He was hiding in the corner, he's a bit wedged, I need some help here. Yes, John. Ok, thank you. Okay, Rodney, John is on his way. We're going to get you out, okay?" Carson's head reappeared, looming in the light again. He looked down at Rodney kindly, then studied his position as if looking for something. "Are you resting against the bed at all, Rodney?" He asked, reaching a hand down to run it along the edge of the bed.

"No..." Rodney said, tiredly. He really wanted to sleep.

"Stay awake Rodney, it'll make our lives a lot easier if you could just stay with us for a few more minutes. Rodney grunted, shifting slightly in his small space.

"Pain, tired..." He complained.

"I know, Rodney, but just a while longer" There was an incessant tapping on his cheek, gentle but insistent. Rodney dragged his eyes open, only just then realizing he had even closed them. The let his head loll back and looked up at Carson. Carson smiled.

"There ye are Lad" he reached down and patted Rodney on the shoulder. Then, suddenly, there was the sound of sets of running footsteps entering the infirmary. Carson looked over his shoulder and the disappeared.

"Ah, John, good" There was a moment of hesitation. Then, the bed shifted again and John was there. His hair was sticking up hap-hazardly and he had a red t-shirt with a panda on it on. He was resting his cheek on one fist, looking down at Rodney amusedly. Rodney returned the smile, his friends ever layed-back and lazy demeanour helping him to ignore the fear.

"Hey Rodney"

"John" Rodney said in greeting, his quiet, tired voice reminding him of how he felt. John's face crossed with fear and worry, but then he was smiling again.

"We're going to get ya out of there in two ticks, okay, just let the Doc and me move this thing, alright?" He asked. Rodney nodded, tucking himself away from the bed as much as he could. "Alright then." A flash of a smile, then he was gone. There was shuffling, and muttered talking, and then the bed was being moved. It scraped along the floor slowly, the thick bulk resisting the movement. Rodney shrunk back into the corner as the end of the bed swung around, revealing a glorious passage way out of his cramped hole. The sight of it sent an unchecked relief through Rodney and he scrambled towards the open space.

The sudden movement sent spasms of pain through his chest, and he fell onto his side, clutching at it. The breath was stolen from him and he gasped for air for a few moments before he felt it return to him, the white flashes dancing around his vision clearing slowly. The buzzing in his ears receded so that he could hear Carson above him, checking over him. He groaned as the pain stayed at its new heights, coursing through his body.

"Colonel, if you could get that shoulder. Ronon, I want you stop that leg touching the floor as we get him up. Teyla if you could get the bed straight, please" confused by all these new words, Rodney looked around, blinking the stinging in his eyes away. He noted Carson, who was talking at him calmly, John, who was approaching his other side, the big strong man and the darker skinned one.

"Oh" He commented dizzily "When did you get here?" They just smiled at him and continued their jobs. Rodney relaxed slightly as warm arms encased him, closing his eyes.

"Rodney. Rodney?! Come on lad, we could use your help with this." Rodney looked up in surprise, the darkness receding.

"Oh, uh, yes..." He mumbled for a few moments, shaking his head. He felt his foot lifted gently, and then his shoulders had a weight put on them. His centre of gravity was pushed over the leg left on the floor.

"Ok then lad, if you could just help us to get you up..." Rodney pushed with his uninjured leg, trying to straighten it. It was a struggle, but after a lot of help from the people on his shoulders, he managed to stand up. The movement exhausted him, and he let his head loll to the side, resting on the shoulder there. Not worrying as to who's it was, Rodney was lead forward the tiny distance to his bed and placed gently down. The moment he was there, he fell towards the pillows but was caught by two large hands. Gently, he was lowered down onto the pillows as his legs were raised to the other side of the bed. By the time his head hit the pillow, Rodney had almost entirely succumbed to the darkness.

When he felt the cloth of the bed brought up to his chin and soft hands brush his hair back, he fell completely into it.

**Well, a long emotions chapter for you! Sorry it has been so long – I am ill and long periods of time on a screen have made it worse, so I have been rationed to one hour a day! Torture, seeing as I live on screens – my Computer, the TV, and my PS3; and I just got the new assassins creed! Cruel, cruel world!!**

**Anyway, that's beside the point.**

**I hope you liked this chapter.**

**It was a good chapter. I will leave you to do the right thing;**

**the review gods are watching.**

**Anyway, until next time – **

**Kai xx**

**Ps - this story maay begin to update less regularily even once i recover - im getting busier and busier lately. I wil still try tough - i wouldnt want the reveiw gods to abandon me =]**


	14. Rest and Recuperation :Logic:

John was floating. It was an odd feeling, he didn't quite feel weightless, as he seemed to know which way down was – and yet his body didn't seem to have any inclination to go there. It was a great feeling. He twisted until he could see Atlantis floating away below him, majestic towers reaching up towards him. He smiled, then wondered if he could control the floating. He looked ahead of him and thought "Forward", using the same part of his mind as he would when controlling an ancient device.

The elated feeling soared with him as he was pushed forward by an invisible force.

"Faster" He thought "Faster!!" He felt himself soar through the sky, pushing forward at increasing speeds. He decided to try a loop-the-loop, picturing the flight in his mind before telling his body to do so. The loop set his inner ears spinning, his mind buffeted by conflicting information. At the bottom of the loop, he felt the Gs pulling him downwards, sending the thrill he loved rampaging through his body. Returning upright, he shook his head to clear it of the residual confusion the manoeuvre caused, and when he could see straight again, he was looking out of a cockpit. Looking around, he saw an odd mash of F-302 components and the ancient puddle jumper accessories. He placed his hands on the two control columns and also reached out with his mind. He found the machine answering his commands. Grinning madly, he began to fly around Atlantis, spinning in and out of the towers. His instincts as a fighter pilot lent him a help through the physical controls, and his mind gave him more control on the finer tuning of the fighter/jumper cross. Never before had he had such powerful control over a machine.

He was flying quite happily in a straight line towards the other side of the city, trying to see how fast this thing could go, when he found himself rather meanly buffeted from the side by a large, fluffy, flying object. He felt himself thrown, with this object, sideways, and for an entirely confusing moment the entire world he was in felt like it was shifting. He closed his eyes and waited for something to happen, when, quite abruptly, nothing did. He cracked one eye open, then the other, taking in his surroundings. He was sitting on a large bed, swathed in red cloth. All around him, the walls to the room were hidden by red hangings and gold veil. Candles burnt around the room, casting flickering shadows on the wall. The room had a warm, gentle feel to it. John realised he was still clutching the soft thing that he had been hit by in the F302-Jumper-cross. He looked down at it quizzically.

It was a pillow.

"Ah" He said, recognizing the shift that had happened to him just a few minutes ago. "This is a dream..." He looked around the rest of the room. "Aah..." He said, deeper realization hitting him as he grinned and placed the pillow behind his head. He watched as the shadows in the room solidified, and women walked towards him from where they had been lurking behind the veils. "This is a _dream_" He repeated pointlessly, grinning like a little boy. He placed his hands behind his head as the skimpily-clad women began to make their way onto the large bed.

Suddenly, and rather violently, his head began to hurt. The blow came from the side, the same side the pillow had come from, and knocked him sideways. He yelped loudly and fell, throwing his hands up to stop him falling. Finding himself entangled in sheets he had been sitting _on_, he was sure, he had no way of stopping himself. He flailed around madly for a few moments only to find his movements shifting him more – and knocking him off the bed he had been so intently attempting to stay on. Feeling the floor connect with him – rather painfully – he tried once again to rid himself of the offending material. Once he had finally managed it, he found himself staring blankly around a completely different room. It wasn't the beautiful room with the even more beautiful residents, but it wasn't his room either. He looked around in dizzy confusion when his eyes came to rest on the bed next to him, where a mildly amused Rodney was lying watching him.

He remembered now – he was in the infirmary. He rubbed the side of his head – where he felt a bump forming – and looked around for the offending hard object that had ripped him so harshly from his lovely dream. His eyes fell on a palm pilot that Zelenka had left on one of his visits. It sat innocently a few feet from him. John drew his gaze back up to Rodney, who was smiling just as innocently from his own bed. John glared at him. Rodney only shrugged, a glimmer of his old smirk crossing his face.

"Snoring" he said as way of explanation. John growled and dragged himself to his feet, rubbing his head again.

"You did not need to throw a palm pilot at me, Rodney." He grinned, brandishing the small machine, annoyed.

"Pillow didn't work" Rodney explained, shrugging again. Remembering the flying pillow in his dream, John searched his own bed, taking in the extra pillow. He grinned to himself. "Was trying to sleep" Rodney added grumpily, and John only grinned cheekily, picking up and handing back the pillow. Rodney took it and paced it back under his head, and John immediately saw the man melt into the pillows. He watched the man rest for a moment, then attempted to rearrange the messed bedding that was now strewn on the floor. That done, he climbed happily into bed, falling asleep desperately thinking of red rooms, and hoping to be transported back there...

oOo

John sat up, his shirt clinging to him in a cold sweat. He panted for a few moments, trying to destroy the rather horrifying after images of the wraith emerging from the shadows of the room, and the withered husks of his friends bodies scattered around him. He rubbed his chest, convincing himself that there weren't any wraith attached to it.

Once the after images were cleared enough for him to really return to the present, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He glanced over at the clock; two AM, only an hour after McKay had so unpleasantly stolen him from his good dream. He sighed, lying back down again, hoping to get back to sleep. The moment he closed his eyes, though, he saw the wraith hovering over him, feeding hand outstretched. John's heart jumped and he opened his eyes again quickly, dispelling the image. He groaned, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He looked down at himself – his trackies and plain white top were sticking to him unpleasantly, reminding him of his nightmare. He needed to get the image out of his head, to jog the whole nightmare out of his mind. Jog.

Yeah, a jog would be a good idea.

He got up and stretched silently, making sure not to wake the slumbering Rodney. John smiled down at the man, sighing, worry and pride and hope and fear all mixing together in some mad-ass cocktail. He hoped that they guy would be alright, with all of his heart. But no one really knew what would happen to him.

He walked out of the infirmary, jogging once he had got out of earshot of the infirmary. He mapped out his run in his head, already planning the detour he would have to take to avoid any of the living quarters, wary of waking anyone in the ungodly hours of the morning. Settling into the pace of the slow jog, he let his mind wander. He thought back to the last week, sitting tiredly by Rodney's bed for hours on end, Carson bickering with him to go back to his own quarters for the night. About half way through the week, he had gone on a mission, just a day trip to a friendly trading partner. Teyla had talked a lot, Ronon had glared a lot, and John had half heartedly flirted with a few of the women once or twice. It was routine, comfortably simple and easy. And John could barely go ten minutes without thinking about whether Rodney might have woken up without him there, what if Carson wasn't enough, what if Rodney panicked and hurt himself, or began thinking that he was back in that place? He had been twitchy and quiet, John had known it, but he hadn't been able to tear his mind from the scientist. In the end, he had entirely missed the ambush at the gate, endangering his team. They had barely made it back in time, a few flying arrows joining the on the gate room floor. It had been close, and it had been his fault.

He had not been sent on any more missions yet.

Grimacing at the thought, he pushed himself slightly faster, already well into his run. His body suddenly became painfully aware of the time, and the lack of exercise he had given it in the last week. Sighing, he decided to cut off the last mile of his normal route and head to his room for a shower. Arriving, he waved his hand over the door, waiting as it dutifully slid open in front of him. He stepped happily into the room, not bothering to change the lights, knowing his way around the room even when it was pitch black. He meandered to the bathroom, stripping as he went, dropping the clothes lazily in the odd chute thing that they had taken about a year to realise was some sort of washing machine contraption. He then stumbled into the shower lethargically.

Ten minutes later he was feeling cleaned and refreshed, his hair sticking up at mad angles. He pulled on the first things he could find and then fell into bed. He was asleep the moment his head hit the pillows.

There were no bad dreams this time.

oOo

No. The bad dreams started when he woke up.

"Colonel!!" The burst of static invaded angrily into John's dreamless sleep, jerking back into reality quite violently. He sat up with a yelp of surprise, looking around the room for who had woken him up. Seeing no-one, he blinked, confusedly for a few moments, then thoughts began to limp sluggishly around his head again.

"Oh, Chuck" He assumed, and was proved correct by the technicians voice in his room's PA system.

"Sir, you're needed in the infirmary – Dr. McKay is missing."

"What?!" John was already up and moving, grabbing his uniform trousers – the closest thing he could find, and stuffing one leg into them as Chuck replied to his pointless response.

", sir, He's-"

"Yes, Ok, thanks Chuck, tell them I will be two minutes." Hopping around so he can jam the other leg into his trousers, he looked up at the clock. Six AM – less of an ungodly hour this time, which was a small mercy; if he needed to wake some marines up to help him search, it wouldn't be too bad. The obscure trousers finally on, he waved his hand over the door, waiting for the door to open. Grabbing his radio as he ran out, he made his way to the nearest transporter. Only two steps out of his door, he ran in and grabbed his boots, attempting to pull them on as he moved. Finally coming to a moment of rest in the transporter, he realised he had managed it in less than a minute. Rubbing his hand through his hair and blowing out through his mouth. A brief flash of light, and he was running again.

"Sheppard!" He skidded to a halt and turned around, seeing Ronon jogging up to meet him. The ex-runner was fully clothed, and seemed to be sweating. The two men walked together on mutual accent towards the infirmary.

"You were already up?"

"Couldn't sleep" Ronon said, shrugging "Was too early for our normal run time, so I went out on my own. Heard about McKay on the radio before they contacted you. I think Teyla was awake two, she's on her way."

"Sound like were all sleeping peachy, doesn't it?" John sighed as they turned into the infirmary "Doc" He said to the small scot who was pacing in the room, in way of greeting.

"Oh, colonel, thank god" The man said. It didn't take a lot to see the rings under his eyes that were probably only paralleled by John's equally spectacular collection.

"What do we know?" he asked, glancing worriedly at the bed in the corner.

"We don't know how long he's been missing. Jennifer came in to check on him seven minutes ago to find him gone. Before that" Carson sighed deeply "He was last seen an hour ago." John closed his eyes, worried about his friend, worried of the damage he could have done to himself.

"He still can't have gone far, right?"

"Not at all" Carson shook his head "In his current state I'm honestly surprised he got out of the infirmary without a lot of help." John grimaced, not happy with the news – it meant that his friend had pushed himself, possibly hurting himself further.

"Come on" He said to Ronon. "We can look around the nearby area on our own – we don't want to scare him, by sending people he doesn't know go after him. If we don't find him in the next...twenty minutes" He glanced at the doctor, silently asking if that would be too long. Carson nodded his head but grimaced, telling him that twenty minutes was not too long, but it was pushing it. "We can call in some help. We'll find him" He said to Carson, then turned to leave. Carson caught his arm.

"We have to be careful with him, both mentally and physically"

"You don't need to say it, Doc, I was gonna already."

Carson nodded once, searching John's face, then let his arm go. John returned the nod then jogged out of the infirmary, leaving the small doctor as he began to mentally map the surrounding area, thinking of the best way to search all of his possible routes.

"John" Teyla's call was breathless and hurried, the woman having obviously been running to get to the infirmary. "I heard about Dr. McKay" She said. John nodded.

"He cant have gone far. I say we split up and look for him – but call me or Carson if you do find him." His two team members nodded solemnly, understanding the need to be gentle with their friend mentally as well as physically – if he had been thinking straight he would not have left the infirmary. "Teyla, head southeast, Ronon southwest. Im heading north. Go onto channel four" He tapped his earpiece "And each time you clear a section, let the others know. We have twenty minutes." His two friends nodded and set off jogging in their allotted directions. John turned in his own, tapping his earpiece, still on channel one.

"Carson?" He said.

"Aye?!" The doctor sounded painfully hopeful, and John winced at feeding the man that hope even for just a few moments.

"We're going to be talking on channel four, if you want to keep tabs." He said, sadly.

"Oh, aye, okay lad, thanks." The scot replied quietly. There was a small burst of static as he moved across to the allotted channel. John followed suit, already jogging.

oOo

He glanced at his watch, sighing. Five painful minutes, it had felt like hours.

Hours of absolutely nothing. Already he had had two calls from his teammates and had given two himself, and they were quickly clearing out the floor, they had already searched beyond where Rodney could have gone in his state.

It just didn't make _sense._

"Damnit!" John growled as he turned to next corner to see a long stretch of plain and painfully empty corridor. Much as he didn't want to see his friend, lying there, hurt and broken, this was much, _much_, worse.

"John!" The burst of excited static made him jump "He's still here!" The Scot's heavy brogue took a few moments to sink into John's brain.

"What? He is?"

"Yes!"

"In the infirmary?!" John said, annoyed that they had wasted their time when they could have been helping their friend.

"In the infirmary, yeah. He was hiding in the corner. He's a bit wedged, I need some help here"

"Wedged in the corner?" John said incredulously, already jogging back.

"Yes, John"

"Alright then. I'm already on my way."

"As am I" Teyla interjected.

"Yeah" Ronon added, eloquent as ever.

"Ok, thank you." The scot said before falling silent again, more than likely talking to Rodney. John met up with Ronon on the way, their routes back to the infirmary converging a minute away from their destination. Teyla came from the opposite direction as they saw the doors. None of the team mates needed to say anything as they slowed down to enter the room calmly.

"There ye are Lad" Carson was leant on Rodney's bed, the one they had moved to make life easier for their friend. The doctor heard them come in and looked over his shoulder. He looked pained and guilty.

"Ah, John, good" He said, clambering back off the bed. He indicated with his head to the corner. John climbed tentatively over so he could see his friend.

His friend was curled up in a miserable heap, wedged in the corner. John took in Rodney's hand on his ribs and the carefully placed leg with a mixture of relief and worry – obviously they had been troubling him, but he had been lucid enough to know to be careful with them. It also meant that he hopefully hadn't hurt them too much. John sighed in relief, seeing his friend safe at least. He rested his head on his hand and sighed, smiling amusedly. His heart swelled when Rodney returned the act with a glimmer of his old smile.

"Hey Rodney" John said quietly.

"John" Was all Rodney had the strength to say, his voice tired and quiet. John's breathing hitched, scared for his friend, but he forced the reassuring smile back onto his features.

"We're going to get ya out of there in two ticks, okay, just let the Doc and me move this thing, alright?" He asked, worried that they could hurt Rodney by moving the object so close to him. Rodney however, nodded and pulled his limbs away from the bed as best he could. John relaxed slightly – Rodney was definitely still thinking slightly strait. "Alright then." John flashed the reassuring smile at his friend then climbed back off the bed, glancing around the small group. He nodded to the end of the bed which had been swung around to make the offending triangle of space that his friend had sought comfort in. His team and Carson moved into position, bracing themselves against the bulk of the bed. John had never really understood why the ancients had made the beds out of solid blocks of whatever the city was made out of, rather than making skeleton frames like the beds on earth. It would make this whole thing a lot easier. Carson was positioned to the end of the bed that he could see Rodney from, so John could only watch his face as the bed moved the slow, laborious inches toward freeing their stricken friend. John froze when flashes of fear and worry spread over Carson's face and the doctor lunged out of his line of sight.

"No, Rodney don't try to..." John stepped around to see Rodney spread out towards the gap, curling into a ball, pain creasing his face. "-Move, you silly man" The doctor wasn't really talking to Rodney anymore, already checking him over. John's chest constricted, realizing Rodney had made a desperate attempt towards the gap, trying to get out of the small enclosed space. John wondered silently how much his claustrophobia must have been panicking him as he had hidden in the small confines of the space he had wedged himself into. He leant down next to his friend as the man let out a pained moan. John flinched and sought out Carson's eyes, hoping to glean some knowledge about his friend. Carson looked stern and business like, but nodded slightly. Rodney was going to be alright, but now was not the time to be relaxing.

"Colonel" The doctor said "If you could get that shoulder." He indicated the shoulder closest to the wall, and john immediately readied himself by that shoulder. "Ronon, I want you stop that leg touching the floor as we get him up." Ronon nodded and moved towards Rodney's leg, ready to help his friend. "Teyla if you could get the bed straight, please" Carson nodded at the bed – they had not cleared enough space for the two men to hold Rodney's shoulders to help him up. Teyla dutifully pushed it the last few inches while John and - once enough space was created- Carson positioned themselves on either side of their friend, and then simultaneously lifted the weak mans shoulders so they could help him up. Rodney blinked around.

"Oh" He commented, quietly, causing the whole team to pause as the man blinked at Teyla and then Ronon confusedly. "When did you get here?" Teyla and Ronon both smiled at him reassuringly.

"We are here to help you, Dr- Rodney" Teyla said, stumbling over the first name. They had learnt early on that Rodney recognised his taken name more than any of his others. Rodney didn't seem to hear her, however, his eyes drifting shut as he relaxed into John and Carson's embrace. Carson looked pained for a moment, but then spoke gently into their friend's ear.

"Rodney." He said, then raised his voice when the man didn't respond. "Rodney?!" Carson repeated, and shook their friend lightly. The movement seemed to wake the man slightly, and he began to stir as Carson continued to talk "Come on lad, we could use your help with this." Rodney shook his head slightly as if to clear it, looking around surprised and dizzy for a few moments.

"Oh, uh, yes..." He mumbled, and the doctor gave him a few moments to get his thoughts together, then nodded at Ronon. The ex-runner returned the nod and took Rodney's broken leg in hands that had no right to be so gentle. John and Carson waited until his leg was carefully lifted off the floor and then, glancing at each other to synchronise, they pulled Rodney forward, shifting his weight over the leg left on the floor. Rodney faltered slightly, swaying, but they were there to hold him up. They paused again, allowing Rodney time to get accustomed to the change.

"Okay then lad" Carson encouraged "If you could just help us to get you up..." The sentence tapered off as he and John pulled upwards on Rodney's shoulders, and Rodney worked to help them. After a bit of a struggle with balance and weight, they had Rodney upright and still. Once again pausing for a moment, Rodney's head fell sideways, lolling towards John's shoulder. The group slowly moved Rodney the step towards the bed and then allowed him to sit in it. Rodney, obviously exhausted by all this movement, practically fell onto the pillows – and only Ronon's swift reactions stopped him falling too hard. Teyla held his legs as he was lowered down, placing them up onto the bed, moving the blankets out of the way first. By the time she hands them to Carson and he pulls them up to Rodney's chin, the scientist is almost fast asleep. No one sees John gently brushing the hair out of his friend's eyes as they all turn to leave them in peace again.

John sat down heavily by the bed, watching the seeping face of the man there.

"Come on McKay" He muttered "You've got to get better..."

**Wow, that's it for today! I know, I haven't updated in ages... *grovels* so sorry!! I have my A-level modules in like, a **_**week,**_** and although I haven't actually done much revision *really should do that...*, I have still had a lot of school work to do... so I'm so sorry!!**

**Hope you liked it!! Reveiwsels are your friend! *puppy dog eyes***

**(Also, a *wave* to **_**Traveller**_**. =])**

**Kai x**


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